Mia, Gluttony, and Desire

I've been contemplating a lot about Mia lately. My meals begin with a planned out control that I will keep to my designated safe foods but then, I feel Mia coo out to me. 

"Why are you eating salad? That spaghetti sure looks good. Yum yum carbs...go find out how delicious it is."

"Oooo they have apple and raspberry turnovers today. Go eat it. Now!"

"That cereal sure looks like something you'd never eat, go on...try it."

My brow scrunches, eyes shut. "Stop it!! Please!!!"

Mia ignores my protests, her overwhelming desire to fill my mouth with iced confectioneries looms over my being. Her impatience vibrates to the very core of my soul until...I break.

Will power lost, I frantically obey; ravaging all sweet morsels that are forced past my lips.

The frenzy of food sickens me. I become uncomfortably full and then guilt replaces gluttony--washing over me like a cold shower. It hurts to purge so much for so long. I always have to drain everything out, even my safe foods.Throat raw, my hands look so very dried out from the massive loss of fluids from vomiting. The stomach acid also leaks over my fingers, removing nail polish and devouring the first layer of surface skin on my hands. 

Why doesn't anyone else see this madness happening to me? I wobble and stumble after each purge, lightheaded and dehydrated, a constant pounding in my skull. 

I think having an eating disorder makes it only evident to those who are on or have been on the same path. Unaffiliated others can only be suspicious and often tire of wondering and forget the very idea. 

Mia frightens me. More so than Ana, because with Ana, I feel free. Clean. Pure. I am alive, I shout throughout my being, I exist and I am invincible. However, with Mia...there's nothing more I want to do than die. She hurts me and torments me. I don't like purging, feeling guilty, hating every inch of my flesh. 

I should return to Ana. I am done with Mia's sadistic merry-go-round.

And even though I write this out to you, my dear reader, I cannot honestly say, "I will never binge and purge again." Because you know what? I'm inevitably will. God, I am such a weakling.

Hating everything,

                    ~Noi

Dear Body...

Dear Body,

I am sorry. I am so very sorry for what I've put you under. I want to love you but, I can't.

Lured in by the intoxication of food, I try to nourish you right--then Mia steps in and I just can't stop filling you up to the brim with every morsel I desire. It hurts, being this full. Your poor abdomen bloats right out. I feel pregnant. Stomach swollen, diaphragm struggling to expand with air. I am disgusted.

What have I done? I'm sorry, Body, I'll fix this. I'll make you comfortable. In a mania, a frenzy, I search frantically for a safe area to evacuate the solemn sin that I have forsaken you with. Longer than my fingers, I force foreign objects part way down your entrance. Tickling and swirling them ever so until...YES! Success!! The horrid concoction erupts forth, spilling out in an uneven texture. Begone wretched greed. The act continues, my stomach shrinking back, a hollow between my ribs.

Better? I promise I won't do this to again, Body. In fact, I promise that this situation will never come up again because I will keep you empty,  pure of all desires. After all Ana knows best.

Time passes. You are still "pure." You protest against my will power; begging, groaning, urging me to allow something to flow through your system. I want to nourish you, believe me I do, but, I can't risk it. More time passes. Will power shatters. I let food pass my lips. Oh no....it begins again. Binge, binge, binge. Purge...

Guilt washes over me. I hate this. I hate you, Body. You did this to me. You tempted me and now, I'm going to starve you. Starve off those ugly rolls of FAT dripping off of your frame. Let me see the pure sight of only bones, untouched by the evil known as Gluttony.
I want to love you, Body. I really do. So let me.


Let's be more than love/hate,
                                         ~Noi

Empty Satisfaction

I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a knife. Stability is but a wandering newspaper caught in a breeze; it is a loss of control with each draft. This is the reality for me. Securely strapped on the leash of Ana and Mia; my mistress changing in this constant battle, this struggle against the collar. I may fight back but, I do not intend to break free. I am a pet that knows not to bite back.

The allure of indulging coos to me, whether it is by satiation by food, sex, or my own vanity. There is a definite connection between bulimia and sexual promiscurity  we are physically gluttonous, constantly searching to trigger a dopamine rush. Life would be so much easier if such a hormonal chemical would just come in pill form...yet I cannot help but imagine a bulimic downing the entire bottle in a mania to fill the emptiness we feel in our souls.

As for Ana, and our twisted obsession with low numbers, with protruding bones...she is indeed an encomposing, devouring force. The cold reminds me of her; soft autumn breezes striking as sharp razors as the scales number dips lower and lower. A sign of progression is what you'll tell yourself. Building a impenetrable wall of will power against the evils that go into the disgusting hole humans call "the mouth." Low sugar, low fat, low carb...or better yet, zero calories--the phrase that sends anorexics into a delightful frenzy. We diet, we fast, all the while telling ourselves "Twenty seconds on the lips, forever on the hips." How catchy, how hypnotic.

The truth of the matter is that once the seed of ED has been planted, there is no uprooting it. It is a weed of the mind, grasping our entire being and never letting go. Our bodies become our cages, and so we search for a key that does not exist. Oh well. Our trust can only go to Ana and Mia, let's hope they spare some of our sanity.


Striving and starving for perfection,
                                                  ~Noi

Here...again

When I discontinued my stories, I felt more so comfortable with myself. And as all things go in life, consistency is impossible to stabilize. So here I am...again...documenting my shattered soul in black pixels; appealing as a passing interest to all who dare read this heart on my sleeve.

While Ana's call has been turned down to a alluring whisper in the back of my mind, Mia has jumped to the plate, constantly belting out her sirens call. To divulge further,  I have been on her erratic regime of at least two binge/purge episodes a day.

It just sometimes feels like, I'd rather of not slipped into this abyss of a rabbit hole. My enamel is deteriorating, I get a high of being dizzy, and the sadistic duo, Miana, is bleeding me dry. I know what kind of net I've been trapped in, but the thing is...I don't want to escape. I suppose that makes me sound like a masochist. :/

I am so very tired of pretending I'm fine.  Let's be honest, it really is the biggest lie in the world to say "I'm fine/ok." And yet, I can't display my genuine emotions for fear of drawing attention to myself. Goodness...I just...want to experience my cycle of masochism & sadism alone. I think that says it all there...Miana is a routine S & M tyrant.


For all those out there reading, I do believe this is my return. I am home.

~Noi

Pleasant Surprises

Because I am far, far away from my scale in college, I haven't kept track of any numbers in a long while. However, I can usually guess where I am--last year I was obsessed with the scale numbers so, I can judge where I am by glancing in the mirror.
BUT!!!
Since, I just haven't had any appetite, I quite literally stopped eating (check the former plan/last post).

Out of sheer curiosity today, I borrowed my roomie's measuring tape. The results surprised me...I'm back to a 24 in. waistline. Of coarse, the comments I have been getting when people come into contact with me (yoga buddies, hugging, etc.) never sunk in until I saw that beautiful 24 on the tape. I've heard, "You're so tiny, I feel like I'm going to break you," "You remind me of a pixie--so cute and skinny," "You're so light, if I threw you in the air the wind would probably take you away." Music to my ears.

Funny thing is, is that I wasn't even aiming to lose weight...I just wanted to have an empty, flat stomach to impress my lovers. I mean, sex would just be awful if I was full; I would too self-conscious of my food baby and that would affect my performance and enjoyment.


Laughs aside, I am simply ecstatic <3 ,
                               ~Noi

I've Got A System :D

So...I've finally reached the point where I've fallen into a regular plan--which is quite great because I can tolerate it and, as we all know as EDs, repetition is a great form of closure and control.
Here's how it works for me...I stick to an extremely low calorie liquid diet (think crystal light and diet snapple). However, there are moments when I want the sensation of chewing solids so...in this case, I either retreat into solitude, where I can chew and spit without judgement or I eat but, I purge immediately until I see the first thing I've swallowed. In the case of purging, I know I can get just about everything out (the lovely feeling of a flat tummy and hollow spot between my ribs tells me when I am empty) but, for the remaining bits and pieces that I can simply not remove, I pop some lax and 6 hours later I feel beautifully empty again.

I must say, this system is really working for me; my bones jut out without me lying flat on my back and the gap between my thighs has noticeably grown. I am so happy with my progress, I really really am ecstatic. In the case of the energy boost I need from lack of food, I have some caffeine pills or I chug a sugar-free energy drink (only 20 calories at most in a can!!).

The blue in my nails has also returned, along with the prolonged feeling of being cold. This is great! I'd say, if anything at all, the heartbroken feeling I experienced with the boy two posts ago was the perfect motivation to get back in the groove of things. It gave me a creepy déjà vu of 2010 when I started starving to perfection to spite another boy whom had bruised, not broken, my heart. I mean, if you think about it, isn't improving your appearance the best revenge? In my mind, it sure beats emotionally eating your way to a disgusting gluttonous mess. I admit, yes, I am emotionally damaged but, there's no way I'm going to let that stop me from embracing the Ana/Mia lifestyle.


Find what works for you,
                         ~Noi

Boys are Stupid

Hi. It's been a while, everyone...I believe last time I wrote life was being seen in a brighter light. That's not the case now. The boy that I was so indefinitely ecstatic about--well, he had his fun, I started liking him, and...then life came crashing down. After a week of enjoying each others company, I felt like he was solely seeing me as booty call so, I had sex with another boy to spite him. I know, I know....I'm such an incessant twat. I lost my virginity to another to spite a guy I was slowly falling for. Stupid girl, why do people bother getting emotionally attached? I hate it, especially since I'm so emotionally damaged that I never make mistakes in the quarrels of love--but I let down those walls because there was a trust between us (I'm quite gifted at reading people and sorting out those who are not genuine).

His girlfriend is coming over for the Mac Miller concert this weekend. I'm happy that he has someone he has found love with but, I can't help my feelings from growing. I want to be platonic with him; cut out the complexity because I do enjoy him as a person but, I know this is all going to be very difficult. I'm never going to be good enough to deserve love, will I? It can never exist in my world.

This hurts...this really, really hurts....


Help me,                   
           ~Noi