Dirty Little Secrets

Has anyone every considered that life would be so much more simpler without the complexity of an ED? I was reviewing some old pictures of myself and...well, I just seemed so much happier without Ana or Mia. Not much that I can do about it now, because, as we all know, you may physically recover from your ED but it will always be there--scratching at the back of your head, slumbering until it is triggered again (hence relapses).

Not that I mind having this "dirty little secret" so to say, because, if anything, it me meaning. I'm striving for perfection. Definitely not a simple task but, it's something to live for. I want to be envied and desired, I want to be able to accept my reflection and the numbers I'm scaled by. I want to be able to have fun shopping for myself. I remember the first day I ever started fasting was right after I tried on a size 3 pair of jeans and it did not fit. Disgust is not my favorite of emotions, though it works well as a motivation.

I binged badly today, devouring a whole carton of saltine crackers (I hadn't had one in two years) and a bag of mixed nuts. My plan was full proof and I managed to screw up. God, I'm such a fucking failure. I immediately chugged three cups of senna tea mixed with Miralax, popped 5 Alli pills, 6 Slimquick pills, and 3 Dulcolax pills. My body is probably in a state of confusion right now...

I've already decided my punishment anyhow...I'm going to fast for three days. Straight up water fast, no lenience of liquid fasting this time.

School starts up again on the 23rd, I should have enough time to drop--though, it goes without saying restriction is going to be more serious once I get back (three jobs should keep me distracted).


Cheers for Day 1 of the fast,
                              ~Noi