I've Got A System :D

So...I've finally reached the point where I've fallen into a regular plan--which is quite great because I can tolerate it and, as we all know as EDs, repetition is a great form of closure and control.
Here's how it works for me...I stick to an extremely low calorie liquid diet (think crystal light and diet snapple). However, there are moments when I want the sensation of chewing solids so...in this case, I either retreat into solitude, where I can chew and spit without judgement or I eat but, I purge immediately until I see the first thing I've swallowed. In the case of purging, I know I can get just about everything out (the lovely feeling of a flat tummy and hollow spot between my ribs tells me when I am empty) but, for the remaining bits and pieces that I can simply not remove, I pop some lax and 6 hours later I feel beautifully empty again.

I must say, this system is really working for me; my bones jut out without me lying flat on my back and the gap between my thighs has noticeably grown. I am so happy with my progress, I really really am ecstatic. In the case of the energy boost I need from lack of food, I have some caffeine pills or I chug a sugar-free energy drink (only 20 calories at most in a can!!).

The blue in my nails has also returned, along with the prolonged feeling of being cold. This is great! I'd say, if anything at all, the heartbroken feeling I experienced with the boy two posts ago was the perfect motivation to get back in the groove of things. It gave me a creepy déjà vu of 2010 when I started starving to perfection to spite another boy whom had bruised, not broken, my heart. I mean, if you think about it, isn't improving your appearance the best revenge? In my mind, it sure beats emotionally eating your way to a disgusting gluttonous mess. I admit, yes, I am emotionally damaged but, there's no way I'm going to let that stop me from embracing the Ana/Mia lifestyle.


Find what works for you,
                         ~Noi

Boys are Stupid

Hi. It's been a while, everyone...I believe last time I wrote life was being seen in a brighter light. That's not the case now. The boy that I was so indefinitely ecstatic about--well, he had his fun, I started liking him, and...then life came crashing down. After a week of enjoying each others company, I felt like he was solely seeing me as booty call so, I had sex with another boy to spite him. I know, I know....I'm such an incessant twat. I lost my virginity to another to spite a guy I was slowly falling for. Stupid girl, why do people bother getting emotionally attached? I hate it, especially since I'm so emotionally damaged that I never make mistakes in the quarrels of love--but I let down those walls because there was a trust between us (I'm quite gifted at reading people and sorting out those who are not genuine).

His girlfriend is coming over for the Mac Miller concert this weekend. I'm happy that he has someone he has found love with but, I can't help my feelings from growing. I want to be platonic with him; cut out the complexity because I do enjoy him as a person but, I know this is all going to be very difficult. I'm never going to be good enough to deserve love, will I? It can never exist in my world.

This hurts...this really, really hurts....


Help me,                   
           ~Noi

Substituting Sex for Food

I think I have stumbled upon the most brilliant idea ever...why should I bother eating when I can, instead, indulge in physical pleasure? Not only is it a great distraction but, a roll in the sack burns calories.

Kissing burns 68 calories per hour.
Undressing burns 10 calories.
Massaging burns 80+ calories per hour.
Sex burns 288+ calories per half hour.
Giving oral sex burns 100+ calories per half hour.
Feeling up/touching burns 100 calories per hour.
Making out burns 238 calories per half hour.

Sexual acts also release a tons of chemicals in the brain, that can suppress the appetite and create a greater sense of euphoria (a natural high)--such as prolactin, oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, adrenaline, seratonin, and phenylethylamine.

Incidently, I am a virgin...but I already have decided on a fellow to play with (check last post). I cannot even begin to express how exciting this new world seems to me, as I am quite the natural. I have no doubt in the least that I won't turn into a nympho after the whole fiasco, as the guy is terribly knowledgeable (no qualms sharing either). While it still feels as if I should care that I am to lose my v-card as "the mistress" in an affair, it honestly does not bother me (I'm sure I just pissed off the entire female race with that point).


Playing with fire has never been more fun,
                                                   ~Noi

The Other Woman

In life, it is hard to find someone who is truly, sincerely genuine. Now, I go out and party every weekend--because let's face it, it's nice to let go and enjoy yourself after a tiring week of studying and school work. When I got back to my dorm on Friday, in my tipsy state (not wasted but just enough of a buzz) I went to go chill in the 2nd floor lounge and see who was still up at 2-3 AM. I was chatting and just hanging around the few guys that had also just got back from partying until around 4ish. At this time I had already walked around the dorm a bit, sobering up, and got back to the 2nd floor to find only one guy remained.

I always had a peculiar vibe about this certain individual, and I never was able to quite place the reason why. I headed back to his room on an invitation, not thinking much of it besides a casual sleep over. In the morning, I discovered he was not single (long-distance) but, this did not bother me...

I knew this fellow for a matter of three days, all the while growing to enjoy his company as he does amuse me...and I like to be amused. Not to mention, he is such a caring person--and it's hard to find legitilly genuine people. He's convinced we're besties now, especially after seeing my cut marks and learning a bit about my past (though ED is still a secret). He says he likes how I don't play dumb as a smart girl and how I can talk so casually about anything.

I suppose we'll see where this goes...as our secret relation is not solely verbal.


Drawn to the flame,
                     ~Noi