I've Got A System :D

So...I've finally reached the point where I've fallen into a regular plan--which is quite great because I can tolerate it and, as we all know as EDs, repetition is a great form of closure and control.
Here's how it works for me...I stick to an extremely low calorie liquid diet (think crystal light and diet snapple). However, there are moments when I want the sensation of chewing solids so...in this case, I either retreat into solitude, where I can chew and spit without judgement or I eat but, I purge immediately until I see the first thing I've swallowed. In the case of purging, I know I can get just about everything out (the lovely feeling of a flat tummy and hollow spot between my ribs tells me when I am empty) but, for the remaining bits and pieces that I can simply not remove, I pop some lax and 6 hours later I feel beautifully empty again.

I must say, this system is really working for me; my bones jut out without me lying flat on my back and the gap between my thighs has noticeably grown. I am so happy with my progress, I really really am ecstatic. In the case of the energy boost I need from lack of food, I have some caffeine pills or I chug a sugar-free energy drink (only 20 calories at most in a can!!).

The blue in my nails has also returned, along with the prolonged feeling of being cold. This is great! I'd say, if anything at all, the heartbroken feeling I experienced with the boy two posts ago was the perfect motivation to get back in the groove of things. It gave me a creepy déjà vu of 2010 when I started starving to perfection to spite another boy whom had bruised, not broken, my heart. I mean, if you think about it, isn't improving your appearance the best revenge? In my mind, it sure beats emotionally eating your way to a disgusting gluttonous mess. I admit, yes, I am emotionally damaged but, there's no way I'm going to let that stop me from embracing the Ana/Mia lifestyle.


Find what works for you,
                         ~Noi

Boys are Stupid

Hi. It's been a while, everyone...I believe last time I wrote life was being seen in a brighter light. That's not the case now. The boy that I was so indefinitely ecstatic about--well, he had his fun, I started liking him, and...then life came crashing down. After a week of enjoying each others company, I felt like he was solely seeing me as booty call so, I had sex with another boy to spite him. I know, I know....I'm such an incessant twat. I lost my virginity to another to spite a guy I was slowly falling for. Stupid girl, why do people bother getting emotionally attached? I hate it, especially since I'm so emotionally damaged that I never make mistakes in the quarrels of love--but I let down those walls because there was a trust between us (I'm quite gifted at reading people and sorting out those who are not genuine).

His girlfriend is coming over for the Mac Miller concert this weekend. I'm happy that he has someone he has found love with but, I can't help my feelings from growing. I want to be platonic with him; cut out the complexity because I do enjoy him as a person but, I know this is all going to be very difficult. I'm never going to be good enough to deserve love, will I? It can never exist in my world.

This hurts...this really, really hurts....


Help me,                   
           ~Noi

Substituting Sex for Food

I think I have stumbled upon the most brilliant idea ever...why should I bother eating when I can, instead, indulge in physical pleasure? Not only is it a great distraction but, a roll in the sack burns calories.

Kissing burns 68 calories per hour.
Undressing burns 10 calories.
Massaging burns 80+ calories per hour.
Sex burns 288+ calories per half hour.
Giving oral sex burns 100+ calories per half hour.
Feeling up/touching burns 100 calories per hour.
Making out burns 238 calories per half hour.

Sexual acts also release a tons of chemicals in the brain, that can suppress the appetite and create a greater sense of euphoria (a natural high)--such as prolactin, oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine, adrenaline, seratonin, and phenylethylamine.

Incidently, I am a virgin...but I already have decided on a fellow to play with (check last post). I cannot even begin to express how exciting this new world seems to me, as I am quite the natural. I have no doubt in the least that I won't turn into a nympho after the whole fiasco, as the guy is terribly knowledgeable (no qualms sharing either). While it still feels as if I should care that I am to lose my v-card as "the mistress" in an affair, it honestly does not bother me (I'm sure I just pissed off the entire female race with that point).


Playing with fire has never been more fun,
                                                   ~Noi

The Other Woman

In life, it is hard to find someone who is truly, sincerely genuine. Now, I go out and party every weekend--because let's face it, it's nice to let go and enjoy yourself after a tiring week of studying and school work. When I got back to my dorm on Friday, in my tipsy state (not wasted but just enough of a buzz) I went to go chill in the 2nd floor lounge and see who was still up at 2-3 AM. I was chatting and just hanging around the few guys that had also just got back from partying until around 4ish. At this time I had already walked around the dorm a bit, sobering up, and got back to the 2nd floor to find only one guy remained.

I always had a peculiar vibe about this certain individual, and I never was able to quite place the reason why. I headed back to his room on an invitation, not thinking much of it besides a casual sleep over. In the morning, I discovered he was not single (long-distance) but, this did not bother me...

I knew this fellow for a matter of three days, all the while growing to enjoy his company as he does amuse me...and I like to be amused. Not to mention, he is such a caring person--and it's hard to find legitilly genuine people. He's convinced we're besties now, especially after seeing my cut marks and learning a bit about my past (though ED is still a secret). He says he likes how I don't play dumb as a smart girl and how I can talk so casually about anything.

I suppose we'll see where this goes...as our secret relation is not solely verbal.


Drawn to the flame,
                     ~Noi

Slenderize with Vitamin C

The medical world has always fascinated me, as I love reading articles on beneficial components, cures, and diseases. While browsing through a journal, I cut ahead a heap of pages to land on a Vitamin C article. Wow...I do say, this vitamin is pretty amazing to fulfill our shallow desires (i.e. appearance). Besides reducing inflammation, preventing free-radicals, and reducing the odds for wrinkles, Vitamin C has been proven to directly affect ones mid-section, BMI, and blood fat levels.

Those who consumed diet high in the vitamin had smaller waist circumference, a low BMI, and far lower blood fat levels in their blood. This is because having high levels of Vitamin C in ones blood raises the metabolism to burn exclusively fat. Vitamin C has a relationship with the natural production of L-Carnitine--a vital component to carrying energy to each body cell. With low levels of Vitamin C, the L-Carnitine cannot be produced; thus, the body compensates by storing fat in the muscles.

It dawned on me then...when I was thoroughly Ana, the only foods I consumed had all been brimming with Vitamin C. So, perhaps the road back to Ana's perfectly bony arms is through my former diet...

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
The Vitamin C Diet
+++++++++++++++

~Top Sources~

Citrus Fruits
Green Peppers
Strawberries
Tomatoes
Broccoli
Sweet Potatoes
~~~~~~~~~~~
~Other Sources~

Dark Leafy Greens
Cantaloupe
Papaya
Mango
Watermelon
Brussels Sprouts
Cauliflower
Cabbage
Red Peppers
Raspberries
Blueberries
Winter Squash
Pineapples

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

Everything on this list is delicious; I do not remember a moment when I strayed from it because the food in the diet was always something to look forward to (different combos/preparation of the same foods = weight loss).


Let's give it another go,
                                ~Noi

A & B lead to C

It is not uncommon to fall down the winding path of self-destruction with an ED. Anorexics usually have qualities of perfectionism, persistent stubbornness, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. The are seen as unbuginging because of their strong will power and set guidelines, of which they can never stray. Bulimics are on a more radical scale, as their habits tend to be more cyclical than anorexics. They are extremists caught in a circle of poor impulse control, addiction, and are often drawn to extremities. However, the two do share a common playing ground of breaking points; self-revulsion and self-loathing can lead to self-harm (i.e. cutting.)

After my latest binge/purge, I was tipped to a breaking point where I made twenty slashes on my upper right thigh. I've never cut before, so this was a new experience entirely. With each cut, I felt my mind numb slightly more, as the anxieties of food drifted away to be replaced with the rising heat focused on my leg. I did not cry, instead watching how each long line paled on contact before pinking as the red came bubbling out.

But that was not the end--I feverishly scribbled terrible phrases and the word "fat" all over my body with a black marker. Standing in the shower two hours later, I could not help but find a hauntingly twisted beauty in how the blood swirled with the ink as the water sprinkled over the skin.

I've been told cutting is an addiction, as the cuts grow in quantity and depth with each breaking point of the soul.


Trying to avoid the serenity of the knife,
                                                 ~Noi

Rejection from the Inside

I think I have finally reached the point where my body just won't accept any breads/grains/carbs. Earlier, I was in a cooking mood; my plan was to cook for everyone else and to fast for the day. I made it to nine o'clock pm before I felt like I should eat something so, I made blueberry pancakes.

 I was picking at them while some were still in the pan but, I didn't feel much like eating the entire batch (which I probably would as a bulimic). Instead, I threw them away and rushed to the bathroom, throwing them up unintended. Only a clear, purple liquid came out, no solids, and I spent the rest of the night feeling thoroughly nauseous and shaky--of coarse, not eating anything else.

I suppose this is good in the long run but, I hate feeling ill. If anything, this rejection ordeal has completely broken whatever spirit I had left to eat "normally." Back to Ana's cold embrace from here...


To gain control is to lose weight,
                                       ~Noi