The Nightmare of Mia

I cracked. I was so thristy and hungry that I went downstairs late at night/early in the morning and gorged myself in a downwards spiral of gluttony. Halfway through the pumpkin pie, the guilt of binging kicked in and I could feel the anxiety of the caloric number rising like bile in my throat. As a Pro Mia, I knew just what to do...purge it all.

Now, I have my own method with purging. If I know I am too late to vomit, I use a high dosage of a combination of laxatives (such as different pills and teas). However, if I know I can still pull it all up, I use a single chopstick to stimulate my gag reflex---and this usually works but, today it didn't.

I tried and tried and tried, over and over again without an success. I was disgusted with myself, since I knew that the caloric number was waaaayyyyy over my limit of 600 (which still feels like a lot to me).

I wasn't sure why it wasn't working. In a panic, I rushed to the pharmacy down the street and bought a box of 90 lax pills. After popping 6, I still felt grossly obese so, I walked 10 miles in hopes that the movement would help the purging process---if not just to burn off some calories.
I know Ana was there cackling at my failure. "This is what you get for eating, for being weak."

I think I'm going to retreat back to repetitive eating and liquid fasting. I'm not strong enough to allow myself to eat whatever I please. This is Ana's domain, Mia is only invited in to punish me.


Food truly is the Enemy,
               ~Noi