Mia, Gluttony, and Desire

I've been contemplating a lot about Mia lately. My meals begin with a planned out control that I will keep to my designated safe foods but then, I feel Mia coo out to me. 

"Why are you eating salad? That spaghetti sure looks good. Yum yum carbs...go find out how delicious it is."

"Oooo they have apple and raspberry turnovers today. Go eat it. Now!"

"That cereal sure looks like something you'd never eat, go on...try it."

My brow scrunches, eyes shut. "Stop it!! Please!!!"

Mia ignores my protests, her overwhelming desire to fill my mouth with iced confectioneries looms over my being. Her impatience vibrates to the very core of my soul until...I break.

Will power lost, I frantically obey; ravaging all sweet morsels that are forced past my lips.

The frenzy of food sickens me. I become uncomfortably full and then guilt replaces gluttony--washing over me like a cold shower. It hurts to purge so much for so long. I always have to drain everything out, even my safe foods.Throat raw, my hands look so very dried out from the massive loss of fluids from vomiting. The stomach acid also leaks over my fingers, removing nail polish and devouring the first layer of surface skin on my hands. 

Why doesn't anyone else see this madness happening to me? I wobble and stumble after each purge, lightheaded and dehydrated, a constant pounding in my skull. 

I think having an eating disorder makes it only evident to those who are on or have been on the same path. Unaffiliated others can only be suspicious and often tire of wondering and forget the very idea. 

Mia frightens me. More so than Ana, because with Ana, I feel free. Clean. Pure. I am alive, I shout throughout my being, I exist and I am invincible. However, with Mia...there's nothing more I want to do than die. She hurts me and torments me. I don't like purging, feeling guilty, hating every inch of my flesh. 

I should return to Ana. I am done with Mia's sadistic merry-go-round.

And even though I write this out to you, my dear reader, I cannot honestly say, "I will never binge and purge again." Because you know what? I'm inevitably will. God, I am such a weakling.

Hating everything,

                    ~Noi

Déjà Vu Trigger

In the autumn of 2010, I was starting to diet...cutting back on breads and sweets and leaning more towards a healthy lifestyle (although I was still an omnivore). I was still eating then but....this changed one day. I had brought a traditional korean to school called bibimbap. Basically, it was a bunch of spicy vegetables on top of rice with an egg and kimchi (see picture).

Now, I LOVED this dish so very much but, I did not have time to eat it during my lunch mod since, I'm usually in the library finishing work then. What else could I do in this situation except, eat in another mod. So I started nibbling a bit on it before gym class began. As I'm sitting there enjoying my meal, I hear a couple comments, "Ew, what's that smell?", "Ugh!! What is she eating?", "It looks disgusting." I set my chopsticks down almost immediately, roughly throwing my food into my bag and never touching it again.

I hate people's comments; they don't even realize how much it impacts me.

Same thing happened today, I was steaming veggies in my dorm when a couple comments chide from in the hallway, "Ew, what's that smell?", "This whole hall stinks. It smells like something's rotting.", "I think it's coming from that dorm..."

It went over pretty harshly, I didn't eat anything today and that was to be my meal but...I suppose that just reinforces Ana's will.

Find your triggers and use them,
                     ~Noi