Select Foods

As with any person with an eating disorder, I feel comfortable within controlled boundaries. This being said, I have slid into this habit where I only want to eat 3 foods: Unsweetened Creamy Soy nut Butter, Bananas, and Orange Juice (not from concentrate). It makes sense when I think about it, as in "if I'm allowed ____# of calories, I want to eat the ones I want."

However, I can't help but feel guilty when I do eat--anytime I eat for that matter. In prior years, I had the closure of only eating certain foods. It made me feel safe, except this round, absolutely everything I do feels judged and a bit reprehensible. This past Thursday, for instance, I binged on those 3 foods...eating what I would assume to be 800 calories. Due to this, I took nine laxatives and, consequently, felt too ill to go to the gym.

I feel like I should be stricter but, I'm already putting up those ever familiar walls. I don't like going to the dining halls here--I always feel like people are staring at me eating; as goes the same for if my roommate is in the dorm, I don't eat around her.

I love the 3 far too much to stop this pattern. It gives me control over not consuming grains (carbs) and not being tempted to break my one plate rule in the dining halls. I hope this will bring result soon enough.

P.S.
Watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (any of the years). It was such a thinspiration!!

Striving for Perfection,
                       ~Noi

Déjà Vu Trigger

In the autumn of 2010, I was starting to diet...cutting back on breads and sweets and leaning more towards a healthy lifestyle (although I was still an omnivore). I was still eating then but....this changed one day. I had brought a traditional korean to school called bibimbap. Basically, it was a bunch of spicy vegetables on top of rice with an egg and kimchi (see picture).

Now, I LOVED this dish so very much but, I did not have time to eat it during my lunch mod since, I'm usually in the library finishing work then. What else could I do in this situation except, eat in another mod. So I started nibbling a bit on it before gym class began. As I'm sitting there enjoying my meal, I hear a couple comments, "Ew, what's that smell?", "Ugh!! What is she eating?", "It looks disgusting." I set my chopsticks down almost immediately, roughly throwing my food into my bag and never touching it again.

I hate people's comments; they don't even realize how much it impacts me.

Same thing happened today, I was steaming veggies in my dorm when a couple comments chide from in the hallway, "Ew, what's that smell?", "This whole hall stinks. It smells like something's rotting.", "I think it's coming from that dorm..."

It went over pretty harshly, I didn't eat anything today and that was to be my meal but...I suppose that just reinforces Ana's will.

Find your triggers and use them,
                     ~Noi