Mia, Gluttony, and Desire

I've been contemplating a lot about Mia lately. My meals begin with a planned out control that I will keep to my designated safe foods but then, I feel Mia coo out to me. 

"Why are you eating salad? That spaghetti sure looks good. Yum yum carbs...go find out how delicious it is."

"Oooo they have apple and raspberry turnovers today. Go eat it. Now!"

"That cereal sure looks like something you'd never eat, go on...try it."

My brow scrunches, eyes shut. "Stop it!! Please!!!"

Mia ignores my protests, her overwhelming desire to fill my mouth with iced confectioneries looms over my being. Her impatience vibrates to the very core of my soul until...I break.

Will power lost, I frantically obey; ravaging all sweet morsels that are forced past my lips.

The frenzy of food sickens me. I become uncomfortably full and then guilt replaces gluttony--washing over me like a cold shower. It hurts to purge so much for so long. I always have to drain everything out, even my safe foods.Throat raw, my hands look so very dried out from the massive loss of fluids from vomiting. The stomach acid also leaks over my fingers, removing nail polish and devouring the first layer of surface skin on my hands. 

Why doesn't anyone else see this madness happening to me? I wobble and stumble after each purge, lightheaded and dehydrated, a constant pounding in my skull. 

I think having an eating disorder makes it only evident to those who are on or have been on the same path. Unaffiliated others can only be suspicious and often tire of wondering and forget the very idea. 

Mia frightens me. More so than Ana, because with Ana, I feel free. Clean. Pure. I am alive, I shout throughout my being, I exist and I am invincible. However, with Mia...there's nothing more I want to do than die. She hurts me and torments me. I don't like purging, feeling guilty, hating every inch of my flesh. 

I should return to Ana. I am done with Mia's sadistic merry-go-round.

And even though I write this out to you, my dear reader, I cannot honestly say, "I will never binge and purge again." Because you know what? I'm inevitably will. God, I am such a weakling.

Hating everything,

                    ~Noi

Dear Body...

Dear Body,

I am sorry. I am so very sorry for what I've put you under. I want to love you but, I can't.

Lured in by the intoxication of food, I try to nourish you right--then Mia steps in and I just can't stop filling you up to the brim with every morsel I desire. It hurts, being this full. Your poor abdomen bloats right out. I feel pregnant. Stomach swollen, diaphragm struggling to expand with air. I am disgusted.

What have I done? I'm sorry, Body, I'll fix this. I'll make you comfortable. In a mania, a frenzy, I search frantically for a safe area to evacuate the solemn sin that I have forsaken you with. Longer than my fingers, I force foreign objects part way down your entrance. Tickling and swirling them ever so until...YES! Success!! The horrid concoction erupts forth, spilling out in an uneven texture. Begone wretched greed. The act continues, my stomach shrinking back, a hollow between my ribs.

Better? I promise I won't do this to again, Body. In fact, I promise that this situation will never come up again because I will keep you empty,  pure of all desires. After all Ana knows best.

Time passes. You are still "pure." You protest against my will power; begging, groaning, urging me to allow something to flow through your system. I want to nourish you, believe me I do, but, I can't risk it. More time passes. Will power shatters. I let food pass my lips. Oh no....it begins again. Binge, binge, binge. Purge...

Guilt washes over me. I hate this. I hate you, Body. You did this to me. You tempted me and now, I'm going to starve you. Starve off those ugly rolls of FAT dripping off of your frame. Let me see the pure sight of only bones, untouched by the evil known as Gluttony.
I want to love you, Body. I really do. So let me.


Let's be more than love/hate,
                                         ~Noi

Here...again

When I discontinued my stories, I felt more so comfortable with myself. And as all things go in life, consistency is impossible to stabilize. So here I am...again...documenting my shattered soul in black pixels; appealing as a passing interest to all who dare read this heart on my sleeve.

While Ana's call has been turned down to a alluring whisper in the back of my mind, Mia has jumped to the plate, constantly belting out her sirens call. To divulge further,  I have been on her erratic regime of at least two binge/purge episodes a day.

It just sometimes feels like, I'd rather of not slipped into this abyss of a rabbit hole. My enamel is deteriorating, I get a high of being dizzy, and the sadistic duo, Miana, is bleeding me dry. I know what kind of net I've been trapped in, but the thing is...I don't want to escape. I suppose that makes me sound like a masochist. :/

I am so very tired of pretending I'm fine.  Let's be honest, it really is the biggest lie in the world to say "I'm fine/ok." And yet, I can't display my genuine emotions for fear of drawing attention to myself. Goodness...I just...want to experience my cycle of masochism & sadism alone. I think that says it all there...Miana is a routine S & M tyrant.


For all those out there reading, I do believe this is my return. I am home.

~Noi

A & B lead to C

It is not uncommon to fall down the winding path of self-destruction with an ED. Anorexics usually have qualities of perfectionism, persistent stubbornness, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. The are seen as unbuginging because of their strong will power and set guidelines, of which they can never stray. Bulimics are on a more radical scale, as their habits tend to be more cyclical than anorexics. They are extremists caught in a circle of poor impulse control, addiction, and are often drawn to extremities. However, the two do share a common playing ground of breaking points; self-revulsion and self-loathing can lead to self-harm (i.e. cutting.)

After my latest binge/purge, I was tipped to a breaking point where I made twenty slashes on my upper right thigh. I've never cut before, so this was a new experience entirely. With each cut, I felt my mind numb slightly more, as the anxieties of food drifted away to be replaced with the rising heat focused on my leg. I did not cry, instead watching how each long line paled on contact before pinking as the red came bubbling out.

But that was not the end--I feverishly scribbled terrible phrases and the word "fat" all over my body with a black marker. Standing in the shower two hours later, I could not help but find a hauntingly twisted beauty in how the blood swirled with the ink as the water sprinkled over the skin.

I've been told cutting is an addiction, as the cuts grow in quantity and depth with each breaking point of the soul.


Trying to avoid the serenity of the knife,
                                                 ~Noi

Pinching Fat

I have found that I am most comfortable with my body when I am lying flat on my back. Gravity takes to my favor then, as my ribs jut out along with my hip bones. I can also stretch my arms up and watch the tendons in my hand poke out as I wiggle my fingers. But on my "bad days," no positioning will work gravity to my favor.

Like right now, for instance. I hate myself for having just eaten half a bag of unsalted/unbuttered popcorn. With exam week having just started, I had two exams and several essays I had to finish. Such circumstances were a perfect distraction from eating lunch, which would have just been some fruit and maybe a bit of lettuce. So, I skipped and then immediately after my first exam finished, I had to meet with my dance group to work on our final. I had only an hour and a half before my next exam....I ran to the farthest dining hall (they have better choice in fruit). I didn't start eating my first meal until 6:00 PM.

Which was actually pretty good, considering I was eating safe food (I only had fruit). I wasn't hungry after my next exam, as I had taken a banana and an orange from the dining hall to eat after the test. A couple hours later, I had an intense craving for more oranges...but, unfortunately, the dining halls were now closed and I had hidden away popcorn in my room.

I can feel my gut stretching just for the popcorn. My fat is probably expanding because of the terrible carbs. I'm drinking Chinese "diet" tea (senna) right now and I already took 2 lax pills soooooo.....hopefully this horrible stuffed feeling goes away.

Geez....why am I so weak? I am definitely only going to eat oranges and papaya over the next couple weeks. I have break so I'll be purging all of it.


 Are you happy now, Ana? Mia's going to whip me into shape for you.
                                                                    ~Noi

My Affair with Mia

Most people are under a misconception that if one is Pro Mia/bulimic, they only binge on high calories foods in large quantities. I have recently accepted the fact that I am, in fact, a bulimic--for the longest time I simply thought I was just solely Pro Mia and Pro Ana. As a bulimic, I can fully say, I do not binge and purge high calorie foods, such as sweets and junk food. I am extremely health-conscious (ironically) and whenever I happen to binge, or at least what I call a binge, I binge on "high amounts" of healthy foods.

In my experience, bananas are the easiest food to bring back up/clean out with lax. People like to think that bananas are a binding food, which is one of the reasons why some use them as an ail for constipation. I really like that it doesn't matter how ripe or how firm a banana is; when it comes back up, it's mushy and easy on the esophagus.

I'm not even sure I could technically be classified as a true bulimic because I purge my food whether or not I was binging. When I simply eat lightly, I still feel uncomfortable with the food inside me, as I can feel it moving through my digestive tract and it is rather bothersome.

I don't know. Maybe I am just an anorexic with purging tendencies. I am not sure.


Coming to terms with ED,
                                 ~Noi

Select Foods

As with any person with an eating disorder, I feel comfortable within controlled boundaries. This being said, I have slid into this habit where I only want to eat 3 foods: Unsweetened Creamy Soy nut Butter, Bananas, and Orange Juice (not from concentrate). It makes sense when I think about it, as in "if I'm allowed ____# of calories, I want to eat the ones I want."

However, I can't help but feel guilty when I do eat--anytime I eat for that matter. In prior years, I had the closure of only eating certain foods. It made me feel safe, except this round, absolutely everything I do feels judged and a bit reprehensible. This past Thursday, for instance, I binged on those 3 foods...eating what I would assume to be 800 calories. Due to this, I took nine laxatives and, consequently, felt too ill to go to the gym.

I feel like I should be stricter but, I'm already putting up those ever familiar walls. I don't like going to the dining halls here--I always feel like people are staring at me eating; as goes the same for if my roommate is in the dorm, I don't eat around her.

I love the 3 far too much to stop this pattern. It gives me control over not consuming grains (carbs) and not being tempted to break my one plate rule in the dining halls. I hope this will bring result soon enough.

P.S.
Watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (any of the years). It was such a thinspiration!!

Striving for Perfection,
                       ~Noi

The Nightmare of Mia

I cracked. I was so thristy and hungry that I went downstairs late at night/early in the morning and gorged myself in a downwards spiral of gluttony. Halfway through the pumpkin pie, the guilt of binging kicked in and I could feel the anxiety of the caloric number rising like bile in my throat. As a Pro Mia, I knew just what to do...purge it all.

Now, I have my own method with purging. If I know I am too late to vomit, I use a high dosage of a combination of laxatives (such as different pills and teas). However, if I know I can still pull it all up, I use a single chopstick to stimulate my gag reflex---and this usually works but, today it didn't.

I tried and tried and tried, over and over again without an success. I was disgusted with myself, since I knew that the caloric number was waaaayyyyy over my limit of 600 (which still feels like a lot to me).

I wasn't sure why it wasn't working. In a panic, I rushed to the pharmacy down the street and bought a box of 90 lax pills. After popping 6, I still felt grossly obese so, I walked 10 miles in hopes that the movement would help the purging process---if not just to burn off some calories.
I know Ana was there cackling at my failure. "This is what you get for eating, for being weak."

I think I'm going to retreat back to repetitive eating and liquid fasting. I'm not strong enough to allow myself to eat whatever I please. This is Ana's domain, Mia is only invited in to punish me.


Food truly is the Enemy,
               ~Noi

Tips and Tricks to Successfully Binge-Drink

Drunkorexia....some of us may have heard the term or seen it somewhere before. Similarly to Ana, the drunkorexic staves off hunger pains and saves a certain number of calories, after having eaten limited amount, for drinking...well, booze! Being in college has been a learning experience of how to obtain easy access alcohol--and it really isn't THAT hard to get some when you know how to use being an attractive chick (at least to others) to your advantage.

So...here are the simple guidelines to follow in Binge Drinking:
1) Make a lot of connections/network...it'll make the entire process go by smoother and ensure more fun
2) Eat your allowed number of calories before drinking
3) Never drink on an empty stomach!!!
4) Keep track of your liquer intake (i.e. one shot = 100 cal & one beer/wine = 100-120 cal)
5) Make sure you balance out your food with your alcohol...if one exceeds the other you will GAIN weight
6) Always opt for alcohol over an extra meal/piece of food/dessert/whatever
7) The plus side to getting drunk, over being gluttonous, is that you can relax/have no anxiety over food issues
8) Be sure to only binge drink on the weekend, this allows spare time in the week to exercise (calorie burner)
9) End the night with lots of water (prevents a nasty hangover and acts as a diuretic)
10) If you do end up throwing up, don't feel bad about it! You didn't want those calories anyway.

Drunkorexia is, incidently, quite common to find on a college campus...so don't feel alone. There are plenty of other girls that are saving their calories for their drunk days.

Drink up and enjoy life,
                       ~Noi

FWB

I was never one to believe in the concept of "love." I don't know why; my sister on the other hand believed in true love and every other frivolous ideal. I suppose this is why I feel such disgust towards relationships. I absolutely hate them, the mere thought of being tied down to one person is repugnant but...I don't know, I suppose I was meant to feel more thrill in a fling, a hook-up, a short yet fun period of time when people can simply live in the now and enjoy themselves fully.

I mentioned a guy in one of my previous posts, let's call him Kisho, became recent friends with benefits with me. I suppose you could throw us in that category, since he has taken me back to his dorm twice now...and that exceeds a regular hook-up. Anyhow, since he is serving as my new thinspiration, he also is serving as a motivation for me to not eat.

Now, since we both a parallel with our beliefs of enjoying the fun of a situation without it becoming complicated, what with the likes of a relationship, we easily can hook-up without the factor of being clingy or girlfriend/boyfriend-esque.

This being established, I feel absolutely disgusted and ashamed of myself for texting him to meet-up, for the third day in a row, without the influence of booze but, just to hang out (since we are on mutual agreement that the other is interesting and fun to be with). Sadly, though, I have let myself down...following pursuit of the qualities in which I hate...clingy. I texted Kisho and he kept making up excuses to not see me.

I am such an idiot for not realizing it sooner....so, in this horrible state of disappointment, I binged and purged; so much to the point of drawing blood from my esophagus. I am a revolting gluttonous excuse for a person. I cannot believe that I even bothered putting on makeup and dressing presentably for a rendezvous that was never gonna happen. How pitiful!!!

Losing my self-worth bit by bit,
                                    ~Noi

A Sign?

So I have been limiting myself to one meal a day, like before, at 4:30pm. This allows me time to let my body focus on burning what it has already and rid itself of waste (because as soon as you eat, your body focuses on digesting rather than moving any excess waste/calories out).

Anyway...I went to the dining hall and found that if I go earlier, there are more vegan friendly items. But, this only brought on the temptation of gluttony. Before I knew it, I had done a public binge; eating three plates worth of steamed veggies and wild rice. The veggies are "safe" of coarse, but, it was the intrude of the carbs that brought upon the disgusting sensation of guilt and self-loathing.

Now, I had given Mia a break for a while, siding with Ana and her one meal a day rule (of safe foods only).
Disgracefully, I had let her down and I---I just had to make it up to her somehow. So, since my next class was to begin at 5:30pm, I left the dining hall at 5:08pm and rushed to the building, already knowing what I was going to do. Not a lot of kids have late night classes, as compared to morning and afternoon, so, this gave me the opportunity to purge in an empty bathroom. I've never done this before, my heart racing all through the act...just waiting for someone to come in and discover me.

My eyes were watering from the purging, my face gleaming a pinkish hue in all its puffy glory...then something caught my eye. Right along side the toilet was a bit of restroom graffiti reading, "Love Yourself." I could not believe the odds that something like that would be placed so perfectly, so coincidentally next to the toilet. My hand stopped rising back to my mouth and I felt, somewhat empty and yet, ashamed.
I left the bathroom in a hurry, taking a few minutes to clean up my appearance...

I don't know if that's supposed to mean anything but, I feel like, if it was, the message will stick with me, nonetheless, but go unheard.

Continue falling on the scale,
                        ~Noi

I Hate Me

I fucking hate myself right now. I'm just so disgustingly fat and there's absolutely no way I'm gonna get to 120 lbs in a week. Ughhhhh........I'm just not going to eat anything, except dinner, from now on. No more binging or fucking wasting my money on binge food. Seriously, it's so retarded that I buy food just so I can throw it away. This has to stop. I'm running out of money and binging and purging is just making me hate myself even more.

But things aren't all so bad...

My workout regime is bringing results. I was studying a bruise on my leg early and realized, "Damn! My thighs are fucking toned!!!" This made me smile a bit, since I hate the squishy flab. Granted that all this muscle is making me bulk up a bit, I think if I counter it with starving, fasting, and restricting my caloric intake, I'll become just that much closer to Ana.

I figured out my BMR too. I was so happy to find myself in the 'Very Active' category (since I exercise everyday)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The BMR for women:

655 + (9.6 x weight in kilos) + (1.8 x height in cm) - (4.7 x age in years)

You then take that result and multiply it by your activity level.

 Sedentary/ Little or no Exercise = 1.200

 Lightly Active/Exercise or Sports 1 – 3 times a week = 1.375

 Moderately Active/Exercise or Sports 3 – 5 times a week = 1.550

 Very Active/Exercise or Sports 5 – 7 times a week = 1.725

 Extra Active/2x a day training or Hard Physical Job = 1.900
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Basically, I need 2432.0775 calories everyday but, since we all know that that is waaaaaayyy too many, I'm gonna do a fraction of that with 600 calories. I think I'll stick to steamed veggies and soft fruit (like melon) from now on...

Think Thin,
          ~Noi

The Servitude of Alice

Fingers outreach,
               the    Gluttony   tingling at their tips
      Grasping    Sin,
Your claws uplift
                  Desire fades...
           Giving way to W e a k n e s s
The    Naughty    sliding d o w n  the rabbit hole
                                                          ...But it is too L a t e

Regretfully,
                 This is no
                               Wonderland.

Fingers outreach, again
            Trembling with a sudden H a t r e d
Darkness parts,
       unveiling your first Queen
"Do it,"
        She hisses,
                leaning closer as the show begins
                      "Please me, my pet."
Her beautiful frail fingers stroke Her swan neck,
         "You know what to do."

Tentatively...
            D
                       o
                                  w
                                          n
                                 D
                           o
                     w
            n
    D
           o 
                  w
                            n
Your gullet
           Your fingers travel
"Deeper," Mia coos,
Her     Perfection    urging you
                                      To the b r i n k of      Guilt.

Out the   Poison   comes.
      A lovely flush
Rising to your skin's surface;
                    Yet...with Eyes tearing,
the      Sin       still slumbers in your chamber.

Colorful pills of H o p e
               Replace your Fingers.
Falling further and further
                                    D o w n .

Mia smiles.
          Success.

This is the but the B e g i n n i n g
                                        Of something   Beautiful.

Mia is only the W h i t e Queen,
                               It is the R e d we all seek.
                                             And that is how it E
                                                                           n
                                                                    d
                                                                s,
In Wonderland...
                With the T o x i c L u s t
                                       of Ana.

Getting back on the Ball

I'm so determined to drop the lbs again. I've already cut out carbs and am only eating produce. I think that's all I can do at this point because I'm a vegan (which is entirely unrelated to my EDs). I distinctly remember that this was my first step to losing, this time last year. I used carbs as a treat though, like eating a slice of tapioca bread toasted with honey every time I was able to drop. I'm running out of diet pills though, so I think I'm gonna get some more soon. Mia and I have been pretty tight lately, if i'm weak and binge she's there helping me purge everything out. I think I kinda like laxatives more than throwing it up, because I don't really like my face getting puffy and red.
I'm working my way down...
Stay strong, my fellow thin seekers~