Empty Satisfaction

I feel like I'm balancing on the edge of a knife. Stability is but a wandering newspaper caught in a breeze; it is a loss of control with each draft. This is the reality for me. Securely strapped on the leash of Ana and Mia; my mistress changing in this constant battle, this struggle against the collar. I may fight back but, I do not intend to break free. I am a pet that knows not to bite back.

The allure of indulging coos to me, whether it is by satiation by food, sex, or my own vanity. There is a definite connection between bulimia and sexual promiscurity  we are physically gluttonous, constantly searching to trigger a dopamine rush. Life would be so much easier if such a hormonal chemical would just come in pill form...yet I cannot help but imagine a bulimic downing the entire bottle in a mania to fill the emptiness we feel in our souls.

As for Ana, and our twisted obsession with low numbers, with protruding bones...she is indeed an encomposing, devouring force. The cold reminds me of her; soft autumn breezes striking as sharp razors as the scales number dips lower and lower. A sign of progression is what you'll tell yourself. Building a impenetrable wall of will power against the evils that go into the disgusting hole humans call "the mouth." Low sugar, low fat, low carb...or better yet, zero calories--the phrase that sends anorexics into a delightful frenzy. We diet, we fast, all the while telling ourselves "Twenty seconds on the lips, forever on the hips." How catchy, how hypnotic.

The truth of the matter is that once the seed of ED has been planted, there is no uprooting it. It is a weed of the mind, grasping our entire being and never letting go. Our bodies become our cages, and so we search for a key that does not exist. Oh well. Our trust can only go to Ana and Mia, let's hope they spare some of our sanity.


Striving and starving for perfection,
                                                  ~Noi

A & B lead to C

It is not uncommon to fall down the winding path of self-destruction with an ED. Anorexics usually have qualities of perfectionism, persistent stubbornness, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. The are seen as unbuginging because of their strong will power and set guidelines, of which they can never stray. Bulimics are on a more radical scale, as their habits tend to be more cyclical than anorexics. They are extremists caught in a circle of poor impulse control, addiction, and are often drawn to extremities. However, the two do share a common playing ground of breaking points; self-revulsion and self-loathing can lead to self-harm (i.e. cutting.)

After my latest binge/purge, I was tipped to a breaking point where I made twenty slashes on my upper right thigh. I've never cut before, so this was a new experience entirely. With each cut, I felt my mind numb slightly more, as the anxieties of food drifted away to be replaced with the rising heat focused on my leg. I did not cry, instead watching how each long line paled on contact before pinking as the red came bubbling out.

But that was not the end--I feverishly scribbled terrible phrases and the word "fat" all over my body with a black marker. Standing in the shower two hours later, I could not help but find a hauntingly twisted beauty in how the blood swirled with the ink as the water sprinkled over the skin.

I've been told cutting is an addiction, as the cuts grow in quantity and depth with each breaking point of the soul.


Trying to avoid the serenity of the knife,
                                                 ~Noi

Rejection from the Inside

I think I have finally reached the point where my body just won't accept any breads/grains/carbs. Earlier, I was in a cooking mood; my plan was to cook for everyone else and to fast for the day. I made it to nine o'clock pm before I felt like I should eat something so, I made blueberry pancakes.

 I was picking at them while some were still in the pan but, I didn't feel much like eating the entire batch (which I probably would as a bulimic). Instead, I threw them away and rushed to the bathroom, throwing them up unintended. Only a clear, purple liquid came out, no solids, and I spent the rest of the night feeling thoroughly nauseous and shaky--of coarse, not eating anything else.

I suppose this is good in the long run but, I hate feeling ill. If anything, this rejection ordeal has completely broken whatever spirit I had left to eat "normally." Back to Ana's cold embrace from here...


To gain control is to lose weight,
                                       ~Noi

                               

Deteriorating Purity

People can't know
                  About this  C r e a t u r e  hidden inside.


                                                                                 With a pout that locks It  in,
                                       It  peeks out at the world through pools of  G r e y  ,
                     It  glares and gleams,
The pernicious  M i n x 
              Has only  H a v o c  on It's  agenda.


                           Tearing from loose threads,
                                                       It  paces in the mind;
                                                                                     Its  claws gashing  I n s i d e  ,


A masochistic twitch coagulating in Its  being.
                                          The flinting flock of  I n n e r  P e a c e
                   Is left  V i c t i m  to Its  insatiable  H u n g e r  .


                                                                Crimson dribbles over untainted  I n n o c e n c e 
                                As It  sadistically takes  S i n f u l  P l e a s u r e  in
C o r r u p t i o n  from the inside out.


                                                     The prison grows  F r a g i l e  ,
                                                                            Teeth chewing and rouge smearing,

          The  E n d  draws nearer.


                                                                       The  B e a s t  grins in Its  own  M a d n e s s  .
                          Hissing  L i e  after  L i e  as the lips part.


Bones jut out and pinching becomes a  R i t u a l  . . .
                                                                   Silence settles.


         Remaining  W i l l  P o w e r  is consumed and
                                               Cold, salty morose over flows  G r e y  windows;
                                                         The  S o u l  once trapped with the  M o n s t e r
                                  Fading into  N o t h i n g n e s s  .


The  H o l l o w  domain can no longer cage the  S e c r e t  ,

                                                           As the  T r u t h  is blatant and  R e a l i t y  is harsh.

Dirty Little Secrets

Has anyone every considered that life would be so much more simpler without the complexity of an ED? I was reviewing some old pictures of myself and...well, I just seemed so much happier without Ana or Mia. Not much that I can do about it now, because, as we all know, you may physically recover from your ED but it will always be there--scratching at the back of your head, slumbering until it is triggered again (hence relapses).

Not that I mind having this "dirty little secret" so to say, because, if anything, it me meaning. I'm striving for perfection. Definitely not a simple task but, it's something to live for. I want to be envied and desired, I want to be able to accept my reflection and the numbers I'm scaled by. I want to be able to have fun shopping for myself. I remember the first day I ever started fasting was right after I tried on a size 3 pair of jeans and it did not fit. Disgust is not my favorite of emotions, though it works well as a motivation.

I binged badly today, devouring a whole carton of saltine crackers (I hadn't had one in two years) and a bag of mixed nuts. My plan was full proof and I managed to screw up. God, I'm such a fucking failure. I immediately chugged three cups of senna tea mixed with Miralax, popped 5 Alli pills, 6 Slimquick pills, and 3 Dulcolax pills. My body is probably in a state of confusion right now...

I've already decided my punishment anyhow...I'm going to fast for three days. Straight up water fast, no lenience of liquid fasting this time.

School starts up again on the 23rd, I should have enough time to drop--though, it goes without saying restriction is going to be more serious once I get back (three jobs should keep me distracted).


Cheers for Day 1 of the fast,
                              ~Noi

Cultural Standards of Weight

Beyond the ED community there are set standards of one's size depending upon the surrounding environment. In most dense Caucasian societies, such as the UK and the US, there is a stressed focus on voluptuous women (i.e. large breasts and bum/also known as curvy). The is quite counter-intuitive for Pro Anas, as we aim for a smaller, lighter perfection--which is probably why our life style is frowned upon by some.

In my lifetime, I have been fortunate enough to be a world traveler...and I can definitely vouch for this but, there are other areas where the petite, pixie like image of Ana is hailed as much as it is in the ED community. For instance, in most parts of Asia the entire culture embraces a set weight/tiny figure. As I do have an Asian background, I have noticed the standards differ slightly in each country.

In China, there is a saying that "A good girl shouldn't weigh more than 100 lbs." If you happened to be sitting in a restaurant, being obviously heavier than 100 lbs, the other customers are terribly mean at poking rude comments at you--especially if you are not eating lite (though this is not just limited to restaurants). Not to mention, not weighing less brings shame to your family.

In South Korea, not being skinny (or any where near it) was as reprehensible as coming home with a report card full of F's (and we all know how horrific that is...especially in an Asian household). I have seen mothers forbidding their children to eat and giving them special Asian diet pills.

Asia has an extremely pressured atmosphere for being stick skinny; while it does serve to tear your self-esteem apart, it does surround you with 24/7 walking thinspo and access to FDA banned diet pills.So, good or bad, it gets you where you want.


Embrace the Asian invasion,
                                 ~Noi

Decoding Your Cravings

To be skinny, one must first enter a diet. Sure, you can exercise but, in reality, weight loss is 90% diet and 10% exercise. As you may have noticed, from whatever meal plan you take part in (as this applies to all), is that you have weak moments where you are highly likely to stray from your set path. Indulging in such episodes will result in: weight gain, guilt, remorse, hatred, sorrow, pain, etc. etc.

Of coarse, you don't want that. So, you need to become familiar with what your brain REALLY is desiring when a craving strikes (P.S. opt for your "safe" food from the choices, I included options that apply to an omnivore diet. If you are vegan--like me--or vegetarian <lacto-ovo, lacto, or ovo> obviously choose what applies to your diet.)

If you crave this...	What you really need is...	And here are foods that have it:
Chocolate	Magnesium	Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits
Sweets	Chromium	Broccoli, grapes, cheese, dried beans, calves liver, chicken
	Carbon	Fresh fruits
	Phosphorus	Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes, grains
	Sulfur	Cranberries, horseradish, cruciferous vegetables, kale, cabbage
	Tryptophan	Cheese, liver, lamb, raisins, sweet potato, spinach
Bread, toast, carbs	Nitrogen	High protein foods: fish, meat, nuts, beans
Oily snacks, fatty foods	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
Coffee or tea	Phosphorous	Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes
	Sulfur	Egg yolks, red peppers, muscle protein, garlic, onion, cruciferous vegetables
	NaCl (salt)	Sea salt, apple cider vinegar (on salad)
	Iron	Meat, fish and poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries
Alcohol, recreational drugs	Protein	Meat, poultry, seafood, dairy, nuts
	Avenin	Granola, oatmeal
	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
	Glutamine	Supplement glutamine powder for withdrawal, raw cabbage juice
	Potassium	Sun-dried black olives, potato peel broth, seaweed, bitter greens
Chewing ice	Iron	Meat, fish, poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries
Burnt food	Carbon	Fresh fruits
Soda and other carbonated drinks	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
Salty foods	Chloride	Raw goat milk, fish, unrefined sea salt
Acid foods	Magnesium	Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits
Preference for liquids rather than solids	Water	Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day.
Preference for solids rather than liquids	Water	You have been so dehydrated for so long that you have lost your thirst. Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day.
Cool drinks	Manganese	Walnuts, almonds, pecans, pineapple, blueberries
Pre-menstrual cravings	Zinc	Red meats (especially organ meats), seafood, leafy vegetables, root vegetables
General overeating	Silicon	Nuts, seeds; avoid refined starches
	Tryptophan	Cheese, liver, lamb, raisins, sweet potato, spinach
	Tyrosine	Vitamin C supplements or orange, green, red fruits and vegetables
Lack of appetite	Vitamin B1	Nuts, seeds, beans, liver and other organ meats
	Vitamin B3	Tuna, halibut, beef, chicken, turkey, pork, seeds and legumes
	Manganese	Walnuts, almonds, pecans, pineapple, blueberries
	Chloride	Raw goat milk, unrefined sea salt
Tobacco	Silicon	Nuts, seeds; avoid refined starches
	Tyrosine	Vitamin C supplements or orange, green and red fruits and vegetables

Ketosis Dieting

Hello lovelies!!
I've been staying true to my plan since I last posted and, I do have to say, I've been feeling cleaner. When I was at my highest, I had gained all my weight back from binging on nuts...so, I know I have a weakness towards them. Luckily, I've broken my attachment to unsweetened soynut butter by refusing to purchase it any longer (though the cravings still call me).

Anywho, since my last post I've joined a Pro Ana/ Pro Mia group on Facebook--which is incredibly supportive and sustainable against my urges to binge. Recently, someone had mentioned ketosis dieting. Now, I have heard this term before when I was hiding my anorexia from doctors and such.

Apparently, ketosis is when the body reaches a point where it will burn fat storages. It is obtained when people consume less/no carbs so the body turns to using ketone reserves as energy. This is quite good because, incidently, the cardiac, kidneys, and the majority of brain cells prefer using ketones over using glucose.

The secret to reaching this state is to consume a no fat/ low carb diet. Controversially, some websites say quite the opposite; to consume an all fat/ all protein/ no carb diet. Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this is completely retarded--honestly, why would you consume a plate of fatty animal carcass, as opposed to a plate of steamed non-starchy veggies, and expect to lose weight?

Catch is, it takes a restrictive diet to reach ketosis (ABC anyone?). However, ketosis can be reached quicker through a minimum four day fast...as it takes three days to kick it in and one day to burn. I think I'll try this out next week.


Burning what hinders us,
                              ~Noi

Serious Counting

I'm going to get serious about this weight loss--as if I wasn't serious enough to begin with. I'm going back to counting calories but, this time, I am also going to start measuring every single thing I eat/drink. No more idealistic FAT girl! I am going to go back to school thinner and lighter than ever.

Let it be known that today is the day that I am setting a goal weight to be reached before the end of January. The new goal is to be between the 115 lb -110 lb range. I will get there no matter what.

How? Here are the new rules (the two plans are interchangeable--for tricking the metabolic rate--but, I think I'm going to try to keep to Diet Plan B:

Diet Plan A
========================
-Eat a piece of nondense fruit in the morning
-Drink 3 cups of coffee
-Pop one diet pill after
-Keep self distracted and active (i.e. taking 5-10 mile minimum strolls)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-Eat a extremely lite meal (i.e. steamed veg or another piece of fruit)
-Pop one more diet pill
-Keep self distracted and active (if bored, do squats or something)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-If the day was "good," eat a dense fruit
-If the day was "bad," take lax/purge and skip last meal
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
==========================

Diet Plan B
==========================
-Drink 2 cups of coffee
-Drink 2 cups of green tea
-Wait until 5 or 7pm to eat lite meal (fruit/veg)
-Pop two diet pills
-Drink 1-2 cup/s of coffee
-Drink 1 cup of green tea
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
===========================

I will also being doing a 24 hr exclusive liquid fast once a week---meaning liquids allowed will be water, tea, and coffee (<3) only!!

I'm trading this disgusting wreck of a body for something worthy of being called thinspo. Wish me luck, darlings!!

See you on the thinner side,
                              ~Noi

Liquid Calories

I think I'm going to stop drinking. I mean, I always follow the binge drinking rules but, I feel like I could do without those extra calories. It seems so unnecessary anyway, drinking every single weekend. Before Halloweekend tipped me off onto excessive partying, I was going to the gym every single day of the week for two hour minimum workouts.Besides, when I'm hung over, I don't even feel like going to the gym...

I'm looking for appetite suppressants right now. I tried all types of diet pills, caffeine sources, chinese herbs, natural methods but, I think I'm going to give drugs a try. Being on a college campus makes pretty much anything available. It doesn't frighten me, though I feel it should. I've researched every item on the list and I know which would help me in this situation. The way I see it, as long as I don't get hooked, I'll lose weight and be just fine.

Exploring other methods,
                        ~Noi

Purge Comparison

There is a confusion among people that laxatives do not help one lose weight. This is incorrect, as I can vouch using myself as evidence. Now, for any beginning Pro Mias or even the experienced, purging can be done in several ways (i.e. vomiting, exercising, etc.). However, what some Mias don't realize (if they are bulimia purging sub-type), is that there is a difference in calorie loss depending on ones method. Vomiting eliminate 50-70 % of the calories consumed, while laxative usage eliminate 10-30% of calories consumed.

Those stats alone would convince anyone to opt for the vomit method but, I recommend to vomit as unfequently as possible--or at least until ones throat sore and little spots of red come out. Also, purge easy foods---such as mushy/soft foods like bananas, wet cereal, etc. If you are purging dry foods, like cookies for instance, make sure you drink warm water with it (not after) to make the process easy on your esophagus. 

But, while carrying on with laxatives, one needs to be aware that their body will become accostomed to one type very quickly--thus you must be constantly tricking your body by switching up (i.e. powders, pills, teas, etc.) You can also combine them...I happen to use pills and tea but, in the past I mixed the powders into the tea.


Best of Luck to You,
                    ~Noi

Ana's Holiday

I'm heading back to my hometown for the holidays but, I get six weeks off from college for the break. I'm feeling pretty good about this--I'm going to have more ease purging at home and less desire to eat because of the stress. In addition, cold weather always takes my appetite away so, I'll most likely be weaning cups of hot calorie free tea the majority of the day.

I'm reached the next stepping stone with Ana too because I no longer have to battle myself to stay away from carbs. I can't even imagine eating anything besides my "safe" foods now. I may have neglected to religiously go to the gym this week but, no matter, I haven't been eating more than 2 oranges and a spoonful of unsweet soy nut butter (besides lots and lots of water).

Six weeks is enough time to lose 10 lbs. I can't wait to get back to college and show off my new hot bod, or at least, it'll be closer to Ana's perfection than it is now. I'm weighing in tomorrow morning and I'm so very excited to see the progress my loose clothes have been hinting at all this time.


Cheers to the Ana's Holiday,
                                   ~Noi

Pinching Fat

I have found that I am most comfortable with my body when I am lying flat on my back. Gravity takes to my favor then, as my ribs jut out along with my hip bones. I can also stretch my arms up and watch the tendons in my hand poke out as I wiggle my fingers. But on my "bad days," no positioning will work gravity to my favor.

Like right now, for instance. I hate myself for having just eaten half a bag of unsalted/unbuttered popcorn. With exam week having just started, I had two exams and several essays I had to finish. Such circumstances were a perfect distraction from eating lunch, which would have just been some fruit and maybe a bit of lettuce. So, I skipped and then immediately after my first exam finished, I had to meet with my dance group to work on our final. I had only an hour and a half before my next exam....I ran to the farthest dining hall (they have better choice in fruit). I didn't start eating my first meal until 6:00 PM.

Which was actually pretty good, considering I was eating safe food (I only had fruit). I wasn't hungry after my next exam, as I had taken a banana and an orange from the dining hall to eat after the test. A couple hours later, I had an intense craving for more oranges...but, unfortunately, the dining halls were now closed and I had hidden away popcorn in my room.

I can feel my gut stretching just for the popcorn. My fat is probably expanding because of the terrible carbs. I'm drinking Chinese "diet" tea (senna) right now and I already took 2 lax pills soooooo.....hopefully this horrible stuffed feeling goes away.

Geez....why am I so weak? I am definitely only going to eat oranges and papaya over the next couple weeks. I have break so I'll be purging all of it.


 Are you happy now, Ana? Mia's going to whip me into shape for you.
                                                                    ~Noi

My Affair with Mia

Most people are under a misconception that if one is Pro Mia/bulimic, they only binge on high calories foods in large quantities. I have recently accepted the fact that I am, in fact, a bulimic--for the longest time I simply thought I was just solely Pro Mia and Pro Ana. As a bulimic, I can fully say, I do not binge and purge high calorie foods, such as sweets and junk food. I am extremely health-conscious (ironically) and whenever I happen to binge, or at least what I call a binge, I binge on "high amounts" of healthy foods.

In my experience, bananas are the easiest food to bring back up/clean out with lax. People like to think that bananas are a binding food, which is one of the reasons why some use them as an ail for constipation. I really like that it doesn't matter how ripe or how firm a banana is; when it comes back up, it's mushy and easy on the esophagus.

I'm not even sure I could technically be classified as a true bulimic because I purge my food whether or not I was binging. When I simply eat lightly, I still feel uncomfortable with the food inside me, as I can feel it moving through my digestive tract and it is rather bothersome.

I don't know. Maybe I am just an anorexic with purging tendencies. I am not sure.


Coming to terms with ED,
                                 ~Noi

Curse of Curves

I'm surprised by the number of guys gravitating towards me in college, as this never seemed to happen during high school. As curiosity often gets the best of me, I have adapted to eloquently arranging my words in a way that will get the answer of why they are so interested, so fascinated by me.

Besides my mannerisms and personality, as I just use those to hook the guy, my questions are more on a physical level. As I've said before, I don't like it when they say I have a pretty face--those are words reserved for FAT girls. However, I didn't like what else I heard...

This still rings a bit in my ear, serving as further motivation to simply halt it but--a guy told me he thought I was sexy because I was CURVY. Translate that...and once again, I am considered FAT.

I hate this. While I am still in the bulimia portion of my weight loss, I purge by all means to destroy that bloated perception of me. I exercise like crazy (every single day), I throw up to the point of coughing blood, and I over dose laxatives until my abdomen has me wringing in pain. I do all of this while restricting and limiting my foods, taking mixed combos of diet pills, and downing large quantities of water.

And yet...it feels all for naught.


Living with the curse of "curves,"
                                   ~Noi

Are you...Ana?

During the fall semester here (it's almost over), I decided to take a dance class to fulfill my performing art requirement. Since the beginning of this class, the only think that has been on my mind was whether of not this one girl was a Pro Ana. She showed all the signs that a Pro Ana would, her thighs had a huge gap at the top, you could see bones poking out, she looked pale and tired, and she had this behavior quality that could only suggest isolation or some sort; she definitely was not just an ectomorph.

The question to ask her if she was a Ana girl itched in the back of mind but, as it is rather hard to make connections with an Ana or Mia if you aren't sure if they are part of the ED community. However, today, this was not the case.

My mascara was flaking a little bit after class, so I stopped by the restroom to briefly fix it before heading of to my immediate next class. The bathroom was empty, which would have been perfect had I been purging. Then, she walked in. Fashionably dressed with perfectly thin limbs and a petite height, she reminded me of my lower days when I considered myself a hummingbird because I was so light and delicate. I could definitely pick out her bone structure through her clothes, it was sheer beauty.

I took my chances, mentally crossing my fingers and hoping she would confirm what I had wondered all this time. So I asked if she was an Ana, as I did not want to say Pro Ana because another girl had just walked in. I had to make this quick. She looked confused, not quite comprehending what I had just said. With us both awkwardly laughing about it, I hurried out. Disappointment filled my gut, the emotion churning over and over as I replayed the scene in my head. She had to be lying, just as I would have. Being an ED means keeping the secret, pretending.

I hope she comes back to inquire next class. Even as a current Mia, I want to reach out to the Anas as well. I'm aiming to revert back to Ana anyhow.


Awkwardly curious,
                      ~Noi

Select Foods

As with any person with an eating disorder, I feel comfortable within controlled boundaries. This being said, I have slid into this habit where I only want to eat 3 foods: Unsweetened Creamy Soy nut Butter, Bananas, and Orange Juice (not from concentrate). It makes sense when I think about it, as in "if I'm allowed ____# of calories, I want to eat the ones I want."

However, I can't help but feel guilty when I do eat--anytime I eat for that matter. In prior years, I had the closure of only eating certain foods. It made me feel safe, except this round, absolutely everything I do feels judged and a bit reprehensible. This past Thursday, for instance, I binged on those 3 foods...eating what I would assume to be 800 calories. Due to this, I took nine laxatives and, consequently, felt too ill to go to the gym.

I feel like I should be stricter but, I'm already putting up those ever familiar walls. I don't like going to the dining halls here--I always feel like people are staring at me eating; as goes the same for if my roommate is in the dorm, I don't eat around her.

I love the 3 far too much to stop this pattern. It gives me control over not consuming grains (carbs) and not being tempted to break my one plate rule in the dining halls. I hope this will bring result soon enough.

P.S.
Watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (any of the years). It was such a thinspiration!!

Striving for Perfection,
                       ~Noi

From Mia to Ana

When descending the pounds, it takes more and more effort to drop; different methods are needed, as well as a development of certain daily habits. In my experience, losing weight is like scaling set levels. So, using myself as a proper example (because I know what it takes to brush the border of double-digits), I will disclose techniques that worked for me.

On my profile, I listed 137 lbs as my highest weight (gross!!). The way I see it, the different levels of weight lose divide pounds into sections of ten.
During the range of 130-140, I dropped pounds because I began exercising 1 1/2 everyday (7 days a week) and I only consumed salads.
Between 120-130, I lost weight because I upped my workout to 2 hours everyday (6-7 days a week) and I began purging...A LOT (mostly lax now).

Although I am not quite at the 110-120 range yet, previously during this range, I dropped because I would eat once a day (after exactly 24 hrs had passed since last eaten) and my meal would be only fruit.
In the 100-110 range, I started a once a week fast (usually every Monday) and I ate only steamed veggies; additionally, never eating more than 200 calories...unless it was the weekend, where I would allow myself 500 calories.

It takes a lot of will-power to reach perfection but, once you're out of the Mia ranges and side with Ana...weight drops off more quickly.


Good luck, lovelies,
                      ~Noi

Victoria's Secret Diet

Ever wonder what it would be like to have a body like an Angel? Mostly likely you said yes because, well let's face it, a Victoria's Secret model's body is so perfectly proportioned that it's enough to cause envy in anyone who has glanced at their catalog. But a body like that does not come from sheer will (like us Pro Anas/Mias), it takes extreme strict habits...not mention these habits are graciously invested in.

While the average daily diet has yet to been disclosed (although I am sure we can easily guess it), the diet leading up to the infamous Victoria's Secret Fashion Show has been spilled by Adriana Lima (and noted by other VS Angels).

According to Adriana, three weeks prior to the show, the VS Angels consume only specialized high protein shakes (brand named shakes contain too many chemicals, sugars, and additives) and a gallon of water; this is then combined with a intense workout twice a daily. This being said, solid food is prohibited. I would suspect it is for the obvious reasons (i.e. the "bulk" creating an illusion of being bloated until the said waste is eliminated).

Two days prior, Adriana revealed that the Angels stop their intake of protein shakes--sticking to exclusively only water, while still continuing their intense exercise regime.

Twelve hours before the show, the VS Angels "dry" themselves out by halting their intake of any fluids (water included). Stopping ones intake of liquid for this span of time can promise as much as a lose of 5 lbs.

While Adriana Lima did realize the mistake of giving this much info out to the media, her comments released after did rebuke what she had said prior...possibly in an attempt to protect the multi-million dollar industry that is Victoria's Secret.


Desiring an Angel's body,
                         ~Noi

The Nightmare of Mia

I cracked. I was so thristy and hungry that I went downstairs late at night/early in the morning and gorged myself in a downwards spiral of gluttony. Halfway through the pumpkin pie, the guilt of binging kicked in and I could feel the anxiety of the caloric number rising like bile in my throat. As a Pro Mia, I knew just what to do...purge it all.

Now, I have my own method with purging. If I know I am too late to vomit, I use a high dosage of a combination of laxatives (such as different pills and teas). However, if I know I can still pull it all up, I use a single chopstick to stimulate my gag reflex---and this usually works but, today it didn't.

I tried and tried and tried, over and over again without an success. I was disgusted with myself, since I knew that the caloric number was waaaayyyyy over my limit of 600 (which still feels like a lot to me).

I wasn't sure why it wasn't working. In a panic, I rushed to the pharmacy down the street and bought a box of 90 lax pills. After popping 6, I still felt grossly obese so, I walked 10 miles in hopes that the movement would help the purging process---if not just to burn off some calories.
I know Ana was there cackling at my failure. "This is what you get for eating, for being weak."

I think I'm going to retreat back to repetitive eating and liquid fasting. I'm not strong enough to allow myself to eat whatever I please. This is Ana's domain, Mia is only invited in to punish me.


Food truly is the Enemy,
               ~Noi