Pinching Fat

I have found that I am most comfortable with my body when I am lying flat on my back. Gravity takes to my favor then, as my ribs jut out along with my hip bones. I can also stretch my arms up and watch the tendons in my hand poke out as I wiggle my fingers. But on my "bad days," no positioning will work gravity to my favor.

Like right now, for instance. I hate myself for having just eaten half a bag of unsalted/unbuttered popcorn. With exam week having just started, I had two exams and several essays I had to finish. Such circumstances were a perfect distraction from eating lunch, which would have just been some fruit and maybe a bit of lettuce. So, I skipped and then immediately after my first exam finished, I had to meet with my dance group to work on our final. I had only an hour and a half before my next exam....I ran to the farthest dining hall (they have better choice in fruit). I didn't start eating my first meal until 6:00 PM.

Which was actually pretty good, considering I was eating safe food (I only had fruit). I wasn't hungry after my next exam, as I had taken a banana and an orange from the dining hall to eat after the test. A couple hours later, I had an intense craving for more oranges...but, unfortunately, the dining halls were now closed and I had hidden away popcorn in my room.

I can feel my gut stretching just for the popcorn. My fat is probably expanding because of the terrible carbs. I'm drinking Chinese "diet" tea (senna) right now and I already took 2 lax pills soooooo.....hopefully this horrible stuffed feeling goes away.

Geez....why am I so weak? I am definitely only going to eat oranges and papaya over the next couple weeks. I have break so I'll be purging all of it.


 Are you happy now, Ana? Mia's going to whip me into shape for you.
                                                                    ~Noi

The Nightmare of Mia

I cracked. I was so thristy and hungry that I went downstairs late at night/early in the morning and gorged myself in a downwards spiral of gluttony. Halfway through the pumpkin pie, the guilt of binging kicked in and I could feel the anxiety of the caloric number rising like bile in my throat. As a Pro Mia, I knew just what to do...purge it all.

Now, I have my own method with purging. If I know I am too late to vomit, I use a high dosage of a combination of laxatives (such as different pills and teas). However, if I know I can still pull it all up, I use a single chopstick to stimulate my gag reflex---and this usually works but, today it didn't.

I tried and tried and tried, over and over again without an success. I was disgusted with myself, since I knew that the caloric number was waaaayyyyy over my limit of 600 (which still feels like a lot to me).

I wasn't sure why it wasn't working. In a panic, I rushed to the pharmacy down the street and bought a box of 90 lax pills. After popping 6, I still felt grossly obese so, I walked 10 miles in hopes that the movement would help the purging process---if not just to burn off some calories.
I know Ana was there cackling at my failure. "This is what you get for eating, for being weak."

I think I'm going to retreat back to repetitive eating and liquid fasting. I'm not strong enough to allow myself to eat whatever I please. This is Ana's domain, Mia is only invited in to punish me.


Food truly is the Enemy,
               ~Noi