Dear Body...

Dear Body,

I am sorry. I am so very sorry for what I've put you under. I want to love you but, I can't.

Lured in by the intoxication of food, I try to nourish you right--then Mia steps in and I just can't stop filling you up to the brim with every morsel I desire. It hurts, being this full. Your poor abdomen bloats right out. I feel pregnant. Stomach swollen, diaphragm struggling to expand with air. I am disgusted.

What have I done? I'm sorry, Body, I'll fix this. I'll make you comfortable. In a mania, a frenzy, I search frantically for a safe area to evacuate the solemn sin that I have forsaken you with. Longer than my fingers, I force foreign objects part way down your entrance. Tickling and swirling them ever so until...YES! Success!! The horrid concoction erupts forth, spilling out in an uneven texture. Begone wretched greed. The act continues, my stomach shrinking back, a hollow between my ribs.

Better? I promise I won't do this to again, Body. In fact, I promise that this situation will never come up again because I will keep you empty,  pure of all desires. After all Ana knows best.

Time passes. You are still "pure." You protest against my will power; begging, groaning, urging me to allow something to flow through your system. I want to nourish you, believe me I do, but, I can't risk it. More time passes. Will power shatters. I let food pass my lips. Oh no....it begins again. Binge, binge, binge. Purge...

Guilt washes over me. I hate this. I hate you, Body. You did this to me. You tempted me and now, I'm going to starve you. Starve off those ugly rolls of FAT dripping off of your frame. Let me see the pure sight of only bones, untouched by the evil known as Gluttony.
I want to love you, Body. I really do. So let me.


Let's be more than love/hate,
                                         ~Noi

Here...again

When I discontinued my stories, I felt more so comfortable with myself. And as all things go in life, consistency is impossible to stabilize. So here I am...again...documenting my shattered soul in black pixels; appealing as a passing interest to all who dare read this heart on my sleeve.

While Ana's call has been turned down to a alluring whisper in the back of my mind, Mia has jumped to the plate, constantly belting out her sirens call. To divulge further,  I have been on her erratic regime of at least two binge/purge episodes a day.

It just sometimes feels like, I'd rather of not slipped into this abyss of a rabbit hole. My enamel is deteriorating, I get a high of being dizzy, and the sadistic duo, Miana, is bleeding me dry. I know what kind of net I've been trapped in, but the thing is...I don't want to escape. I suppose that makes me sound like a masochist. :/

I am so very tired of pretending I'm fine.  Let's be honest, it really is the biggest lie in the world to say "I'm fine/ok." And yet, I can't display my genuine emotions for fear of drawing attention to myself. Goodness...I just...want to experience my cycle of masochism & sadism alone. I think that says it all there...Miana is a routine S & M tyrant.


For all those out there reading, I do believe this is my return. I am home.

~Noi

A & B lead to C

It is not uncommon to fall down the winding path of self-destruction with an ED. Anorexics usually have qualities of perfectionism, persistent stubbornness, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. The are seen as unbuginging because of their strong will power and set guidelines, of which they can never stray. Bulimics are on a more radical scale, as their habits tend to be more cyclical than anorexics. They are extremists caught in a circle of poor impulse control, addiction, and are often drawn to extremities. However, the two do share a common playing ground of breaking points; self-revulsion and self-loathing can lead to self-harm (i.e. cutting.)

After my latest binge/purge, I was tipped to a breaking point where I made twenty slashes on my upper right thigh. I've never cut before, so this was a new experience entirely. With each cut, I felt my mind numb slightly more, as the anxieties of food drifted away to be replaced with the rising heat focused on my leg. I did not cry, instead watching how each long line paled on contact before pinking as the red came bubbling out.

But that was not the end--I feverishly scribbled terrible phrases and the word "fat" all over my body with a black marker. Standing in the shower two hours later, I could not help but find a hauntingly twisted beauty in how the blood swirled with the ink as the water sprinkled over the skin.

I've been told cutting is an addiction, as the cuts grow in quantity and depth with each breaking point of the soul.


Trying to avoid the serenity of the knife,
                                                 ~Noi

Serious Counting

I'm going to get serious about this weight loss--as if I wasn't serious enough to begin with. I'm going back to counting calories but, this time, I am also going to start measuring every single thing I eat/drink. No more idealistic FAT girl! I am going to go back to school thinner and lighter than ever.

Let it be known that today is the day that I am setting a goal weight to be reached before the end of January. The new goal is to be between the 115 lb -110 lb range. I will get there no matter what.

How? Here are the new rules (the two plans are interchangeable--for tricking the metabolic rate--but, I think I'm going to try to keep to Diet Plan B:

Diet Plan A
========================
-Eat a piece of nondense fruit in the morning
-Drink 3 cups of coffee
-Pop one diet pill after
-Keep self distracted and active (i.e. taking 5-10 mile minimum strolls)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-Eat a extremely lite meal (i.e. steamed veg or another piece of fruit)
-Pop one more diet pill
-Keep self distracted and active (if bored, do squats or something)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-If the day was "good," eat a dense fruit
-If the day was "bad," take lax/purge and skip last meal
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
==========================

Diet Plan B
==========================
-Drink 2 cups of coffee
-Drink 2 cups of green tea
-Wait until 5 or 7pm to eat lite meal (fruit/veg)
-Pop two diet pills
-Drink 1-2 cup/s of coffee
-Drink 1 cup of green tea
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
===========================

I will also being doing a 24 hr exclusive liquid fast once a week---meaning liquids allowed will be water, tea, and coffee (<3) only!!

I'm trading this disgusting wreck of a body for something worthy of being called thinspo. Wish me luck, darlings!!

See you on the thinner side,
                              ~Noi

Purge Comparison

There is a confusion among people that laxatives do not help one lose weight. This is incorrect, as I can vouch using myself as evidence. Now, for any beginning Pro Mias or even the experienced, purging can be done in several ways (i.e. vomiting, exercising, etc.). However, what some Mias don't realize (if they are bulimia purging sub-type), is that there is a difference in calorie loss depending on ones method. Vomiting eliminate 50-70 % of the calories consumed, while laxative usage eliminate 10-30% of calories consumed.

Those stats alone would convince anyone to opt for the vomit method but, I recommend to vomit as unfequently as possible--or at least until ones throat sore and little spots of red come out. Also, purge easy foods---such as mushy/soft foods like bananas, wet cereal, etc. If you are purging dry foods, like cookies for instance, make sure you drink warm water with it (not after) to make the process easy on your esophagus. 

But, while carrying on with laxatives, one needs to be aware that their body will become accostomed to one type very quickly--thus you must be constantly tricking your body by switching up (i.e. powders, pills, teas, etc.) You can also combine them...I happen to use pills and tea but, in the past I mixed the powders into the tea.


Best of Luck to You,
                    ~Noi

Ana's Holiday

I'm heading back to my hometown for the holidays but, I get six weeks off from college for the break. I'm feeling pretty good about this--I'm going to have more ease purging at home and less desire to eat because of the stress. In addition, cold weather always takes my appetite away so, I'll most likely be weaning cups of hot calorie free tea the majority of the day.

I'm reached the next stepping stone with Ana too because I no longer have to battle myself to stay away from carbs. I can't even imagine eating anything besides my "safe" foods now. I may have neglected to religiously go to the gym this week but, no matter, I haven't been eating more than 2 oranges and a spoonful of unsweet soy nut butter (besides lots and lots of water).

Six weeks is enough time to lose 10 lbs. I can't wait to get back to college and show off my new hot bod, or at least, it'll be closer to Ana's perfection than it is now. I'm weighing in tomorrow morning and I'm so very excited to see the progress my loose clothes have been hinting at all this time.


Cheers to the Ana's Holiday,
                                   ~Noi

Pinching Fat

I have found that I am most comfortable with my body when I am lying flat on my back. Gravity takes to my favor then, as my ribs jut out along with my hip bones. I can also stretch my arms up and watch the tendons in my hand poke out as I wiggle my fingers. But on my "bad days," no positioning will work gravity to my favor.

Like right now, for instance. I hate myself for having just eaten half a bag of unsalted/unbuttered popcorn. With exam week having just started, I had two exams and several essays I had to finish. Such circumstances were a perfect distraction from eating lunch, which would have just been some fruit and maybe a bit of lettuce. So, I skipped and then immediately after my first exam finished, I had to meet with my dance group to work on our final. I had only an hour and a half before my next exam....I ran to the farthest dining hall (they have better choice in fruit). I didn't start eating my first meal until 6:00 PM.

Which was actually pretty good, considering I was eating safe food (I only had fruit). I wasn't hungry after my next exam, as I had taken a banana and an orange from the dining hall to eat after the test. A couple hours later, I had an intense craving for more oranges...but, unfortunately, the dining halls were now closed and I had hidden away popcorn in my room.

I can feel my gut stretching just for the popcorn. My fat is probably expanding because of the terrible carbs. I'm drinking Chinese "diet" tea (senna) right now and I already took 2 lax pills soooooo.....hopefully this horrible stuffed feeling goes away.

Geez....why am I so weak? I am definitely only going to eat oranges and papaya over the next couple weeks. I have break so I'll be purging all of it.


 Are you happy now, Ana? Mia's going to whip me into shape for you.
                                                                    ~Noi

My Affair with Mia

Most people are under a misconception that if one is Pro Mia/bulimic, they only binge on high calories foods in large quantities. I have recently accepted the fact that I am, in fact, a bulimic--for the longest time I simply thought I was just solely Pro Mia and Pro Ana. As a bulimic, I can fully say, I do not binge and purge high calorie foods, such as sweets and junk food. I am extremely health-conscious (ironically) and whenever I happen to binge, or at least what I call a binge, I binge on "high amounts" of healthy foods.

In my experience, bananas are the easiest food to bring back up/clean out with lax. People like to think that bananas are a binding food, which is one of the reasons why some use them as an ail for constipation. I really like that it doesn't matter how ripe or how firm a banana is; when it comes back up, it's mushy and easy on the esophagus.

I'm not even sure I could technically be classified as a true bulimic because I purge my food whether or not I was binging. When I simply eat lightly, I still feel uncomfortable with the food inside me, as I can feel it moving through my digestive tract and it is rather bothersome.

I don't know. Maybe I am just an anorexic with purging tendencies. I am not sure.


Coming to terms with ED,
                                 ~Noi

Curse of Curves

I'm surprised by the number of guys gravitating towards me in college, as this never seemed to happen during high school. As curiosity often gets the best of me, I have adapted to eloquently arranging my words in a way that will get the answer of why they are so interested, so fascinated by me.

Besides my mannerisms and personality, as I just use those to hook the guy, my questions are more on a physical level. As I've said before, I don't like it when they say I have a pretty face--those are words reserved for FAT girls. However, I didn't like what else I heard...

This still rings a bit in my ear, serving as further motivation to simply halt it but--a guy told me he thought I was sexy because I was CURVY. Translate that...and once again, I am considered FAT.

I hate this. While I am still in the bulimia portion of my weight loss, I purge by all means to destroy that bloated perception of me. I exercise like crazy (every single day), I throw up to the point of coughing blood, and I over dose laxatives until my abdomen has me wringing in pain. I do all of this while restricting and limiting my foods, taking mixed combos of diet pills, and downing large quantities of water.

And yet...it feels all for naught.


Living with the curse of "curves,"
                                   ~Noi

The Nightmare of Mia

I cracked. I was so thristy and hungry that I went downstairs late at night/early in the morning and gorged myself in a downwards spiral of gluttony. Halfway through the pumpkin pie, the guilt of binging kicked in and I could feel the anxiety of the caloric number rising like bile in my throat. As a Pro Mia, I knew just what to do...purge it all.

Now, I have my own method with purging. If I know I am too late to vomit, I use a high dosage of a combination of laxatives (such as different pills and teas). However, if I know I can still pull it all up, I use a single chopstick to stimulate my gag reflex---and this usually works but, today it didn't.

I tried and tried and tried, over and over again without an success. I was disgusted with myself, since I knew that the caloric number was waaaayyyyy over my limit of 600 (which still feels like a lot to me).

I wasn't sure why it wasn't working. In a panic, I rushed to the pharmacy down the street and bought a box of 90 lax pills. After popping 6, I still felt grossly obese so, I walked 10 miles in hopes that the movement would help the purging process---if not just to burn off some calories.
I know Ana was there cackling at my failure. "This is what you get for eating, for being weak."

I think I'm going to retreat back to repetitive eating and liquid fasting. I'm not strong enough to allow myself to eat whatever I please. This is Ana's domain, Mia is only invited in to punish me.


Food truly is the Enemy,
               ~Noi

Not by my Choice

My father blew up yesterday during Thanksgiving....he was livid simply because my mother made an effort and made some vegan-friendly foods for me so I could join in the meal. Yes, i am aware this does not make sense logically but, the man is crazy. He got so riled up that before I could even eat, yanked me from the table, and literally dragged me out the door into the 37 degree weather. I had no shoes or coat and my arm hurt from him.

I ended up calling the cops but, the bastard lied and made it seem as though I was disobeying him. Now, I am not allowed to eat anything in the house because..."I didn't buy it with my money."

Sure, Ana maybe happy with this situation but, I tried eating lunch on Thanksgiving and, not purposely, threw it up. So I haven't eaten in two days now...I don't think he's even gonna let me have water.

I hate this so much and...I'm not even sure what to do. I'm scared. He says that he's going to cut off my funds for college too. I'm so tired of this "family." An abusive childhood was enough for me but, for it to continue into adulthood...I just don't know how much more I can take.


Silently screaming,
                 ~Noi

New Tactics for the Big Challenge

The dreaded day of all Anas is approaching...Thanksgiving!!! Now, this isn't usually a big deal for me...one, I usually get sick around Thanksgiving and almost always spend the day bedridden and two, I'm a vegan. Last year, I slept the majority of the day and went downstairs just as the guests were leaving. Because my parents resent the fact that I am vegan, they don't bother making any food for me specifically. Which is both bad and good. I am being neglected but, hey, I don't have to eat. So, yay!

Anywho, heading back to my hometown is risky buisiness. I'm not allowed to go to the gym while I am there (they'll give the key to my overweight sister but not me) so, I think I am going to be restricting as much as I can.
Makes sense, right? If I am not burning the calories, then I should not be eating as much.

It goes without saying that I will be purging still...old habits die hard. I think I'll wander around town too--exercise plus, I don't really want to hang around the hostile household. It's motivation to not eat (when I am upset) but, it just is too much stress that I really could do without.

I want to be happy...and thin. Is that really such a difficult request?


Best of Luck on the Dreaded Day of Gluttony,
                                               ~Noi

FWB

I was never one to believe in the concept of "love." I don't know why; my sister on the other hand believed in true love and every other frivolous ideal. I suppose this is why I feel such disgust towards relationships. I absolutely hate them, the mere thought of being tied down to one person is repugnant but...I don't know, I suppose I was meant to feel more thrill in a fling, a hook-up, a short yet fun period of time when people can simply live in the now and enjoy themselves fully.

I mentioned a guy in one of my previous posts, let's call him Kisho, became recent friends with benefits with me. I suppose you could throw us in that category, since he has taken me back to his dorm twice now...and that exceeds a regular hook-up. Anyhow, since he is serving as my new thinspiration, he also is serving as a motivation for me to not eat.

Now, since we both a parallel with our beliefs of enjoying the fun of a situation without it becoming complicated, what with the likes of a relationship, we easily can hook-up without the factor of being clingy or girlfriend/boyfriend-esque.

This being established, I feel absolutely disgusted and ashamed of myself for texting him to meet-up, for the third day in a row, without the influence of booze but, just to hang out (since we are on mutual agreement that the other is interesting and fun to be with). Sadly, though, I have let myself down...following pursuit of the qualities in which I hate...clingy. I texted Kisho and he kept making up excuses to not see me.

I am such an idiot for not realizing it sooner....so, in this horrible state of disappointment, I binged and purged; so much to the point of drawing blood from my esophagus. I am a revolting gluttonous excuse for a person. I cannot believe that I even bothered putting on makeup and dressing presentably for a rendezvous that was never gonna happen. How pitiful!!!

Losing my self-worth bit by bit,
                                    ~Noi

A Sign?

So I have been limiting myself to one meal a day, like before, at 4:30pm. This allows me time to let my body focus on burning what it has already and rid itself of waste (because as soon as you eat, your body focuses on digesting rather than moving any excess waste/calories out).

Anyway...I went to the dining hall and found that if I go earlier, there are more vegan friendly items. But, this only brought on the temptation of gluttony. Before I knew it, I had done a public binge; eating three plates worth of steamed veggies and wild rice. The veggies are "safe" of coarse, but, it was the intrude of the carbs that brought upon the disgusting sensation of guilt and self-loathing.

Now, I had given Mia a break for a while, siding with Ana and her one meal a day rule (of safe foods only).
Disgracefully, I had let her down and I---I just had to make it up to her somehow. So, since my next class was to begin at 5:30pm, I left the dining hall at 5:08pm and rushed to the building, already knowing what I was going to do. Not a lot of kids have late night classes, as compared to morning and afternoon, so, this gave me the opportunity to purge in an empty bathroom. I've never done this before, my heart racing all through the act...just waiting for someone to come in and discover me.

My eyes were watering from the purging, my face gleaming a pinkish hue in all its puffy glory...then something caught my eye. Right along side the toilet was a bit of restroom graffiti reading, "Love Yourself." I could not believe the odds that something like that would be placed so perfectly, so coincidentally next to the toilet. My hand stopped rising back to my mouth and I felt, somewhat empty and yet, ashamed.
I left the bathroom in a hurry, taking a few minutes to clean up my appearance...

I don't know if that's supposed to mean anything but, I feel like, if it was, the message will stick with me, nonetheless, but go unheard.

Continue falling on the scale,
                        ~Noi

I Hate Me

I fucking hate myself right now. I'm just so disgustingly fat and there's absolutely no way I'm gonna get to 120 lbs in a week. Ughhhhh........I'm just not going to eat anything, except dinner, from now on. No more binging or fucking wasting my money on binge food. Seriously, it's so retarded that I buy food just so I can throw it away. This has to stop. I'm running out of money and binging and purging is just making me hate myself even more.

But things aren't all so bad...

My workout regime is bringing results. I was studying a bruise on my leg early and realized, "Damn! My thighs are fucking toned!!!" This made me smile a bit, since I hate the squishy flab. Granted that all this muscle is making me bulk up a bit, I think if I counter it with starving, fasting, and restricting my caloric intake, I'll become just that much closer to Ana.

I figured out my BMR too. I was so happy to find myself in the 'Very Active' category (since I exercise everyday)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The BMR for women:

655 + (9.6 x weight in kilos) + (1.8 x height in cm) - (4.7 x age in years)

You then take that result and multiply it by your activity level.

 Sedentary/ Little or no Exercise = 1.200

 Lightly Active/Exercise or Sports 1 – 3 times a week = 1.375

 Moderately Active/Exercise or Sports 3 – 5 times a week = 1.550

 Very Active/Exercise or Sports 5 – 7 times a week = 1.725

 Extra Active/2x a day training or Hard Physical Job = 1.900
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Basically, I need 2432.0775 calories everyday but, since we all know that that is waaaaaayyy too many, I'm gonna do a fraction of that with 600 calories. I think I'll stick to steamed veggies and soft fruit (like melon) from now on...

Think Thin,
          ~Noi

A Better Alternative?

I've purged pretty much everyday this week, doubling up with lax and the ole' fashion way. Now, I'm fairly clever at hiding it now...heading to different bathrooms on campus for my lax purgings and cranking up the music/locking the door/disposing in a plastic bag for my throw-up purgings. But...after a week and a half of this, I'm starting to reconsider.

My mouth is beginning to feel sore and, yesterday, a little blood came up when I was vomiting. Sooooo......since it doesn't take a genius to figure this out, I'm gonna run back into Ana's perfectly tiny arms and take a break from Mia (although I do still love her).

I know I'm gonna feel absolutely horrid about the empty calories later but, I'm going out tonight (meaning drinks and the what not). Maybe I'll just wean a single drink throughout the evening; two is the limit. And just to be safe, since I don't want any globs of disgusting FAT hanging on, tomorrow I'll try to stay outside (in the cold) for the majority of the day and I'll go to the gym for a min of 2 hours.

Giving all my love and myself to Ana,
                              ~Noi

Pop It

I tried to continue my liquid diet onto a two day length but let myself partake in dinner. I kinda sorta did this method before, where I would eat only dinner (after 5pm) and fast the rest of the time...this method brought quick results--as I counted exactly 24 hrs in between eating. I think I'm gonna go this route again, instead of a every other day liquid diet (as I feel like I eat soooo much on my solid days).

Any who, I was pretty good at not eating until 6pm. Despite this, I was having one of those days where you can look in the mirror and absolutely HATE yourself. Sure, I know I have a nice face (as I am complimented on it all the time) but, telling a girl she has a nice face is something you tell a FAT girl because her body just doesn't match up.

So what did I do with all this guilt? I did what I always do, pop large amounts of certain vitamins and chemical capsules that promote the metabolism and burning of fat. Sometimes I use diet pills but, I always feel like those purposely draw an appetite so you buy more. Personally, I buy specific non-mainstream diet pills online...it cuts the chance that it is just a caffeine pill (although I do have a bottle of caffeine pills).

This is usually how the cycle starts: I eat reasonably "good" food ('safe' of coarse), pop some pills because I feel like I need to burn away every last calorie, give up hope of burning and switch to popping laxatives, and end up purging it all.

The problem with purging, however, is that I think some people in my dorm are beginning to catch on to me...
I'm terrified of being caught...

Wish me luck that this dirty little secret doesn't get found out,
                            ~Noi

I Promise...

~I will get out of the 120s by the end of the month

~I will consume liquids only every other day

~I will fast once a week (more if desired)

~I will purge every time I feel the "bulk"

~I will exercise everyday for the minimum of an hour

~I will consume only produce on my solid food days

~I will chew and spit as much as I can

~I will consume no more than 600 calories everyday

~I will take up any method to burn calories at every moment (i.e. fidgeting)

~I will get back the gap between my thighs

~I will become someone else's thinspo

This is year two of my affair with EDNOS, I will not gain this time and I will not falter or give up on Ana or Mia. It is time to get serious!

       ~Noi

Double Take

I woke up today a pound lighter....this is not what I wanted. In the past, when I've fasted for short periods of time (like a day), I've lost 3-4 lbs. While I do like losing weight, I wish I could have lost more than a single pound. But, on the plus side, the circumference on my fingers has shrunk. How do I know? I can now wear this ring I bought when I was at my lowest (size 5--which I think is the smallest size that's available, overlooking custom sizing of coarse).

I broke my fast today around noonish. I made a steamed sweet potato with apple cider vinegar and a salad of iceberg lettuce, black olives, and mandarin oranges...however, it wasn't long before I felt utterly disgusted with myself. I purged it all the old-fashion way.
Oh, here's a quick Ana tip:
Apple cider vinegar curbs the appetite and burns fat (by decreasing the size of the fat cells). Also, any weight loss occurring, though it is gradual, is permanent. So, yay!!!

I think for the rest of the day I'll just consume liquids...

Think Thin,
           ~Noi

Motivation ---> Fasting

So, I had to return to my home town for break...despite not wanting to but, I get in the car and my parents instantly start lecturing me. And it went on and on and on....continuing until 8pm (when I was already back at the house). This goes without saying that my parents' version of "lecturing" includes lots of yelling, sarcastic laughing, and lapses of bringing up the past.
I hate it but, the good can come from the bad. Getting upset was always a big motivation for me in the past with Ana. I don't know exactly how to explain it but, I suppose it's just a small way I can get back at people; I know that sounds pretty twisted but, it works wonders.

I'm comparing myself a lot to my weight loss of last year; I want to get better at it. By Halloween of 2010, I weighed 118 lbs. This year, I want to either get there or, what I would love, I want to weigh 115 lbs by Halloween. I will get there, no doubt, especially since I have 2 more days in this horrible place.
I am so glad that I am no longer pushing 140 disgusting pounds from the 130s. I'm kinda surprised that college is not such a difficult place to purge in---although at "home," it is EASYYY. I'm gonna have to switch over to restricting soon enough, though, since
1) people are gonna catch on to my purging
2) restricting gets quicker results
Despite this I do both, purging on forbidden foods (like carbs) and anytime I feel the dreaded bulk.....

Well, wish this fast will last,
                              ~Noi