Here...again

When I discontinued my stories, I felt more so comfortable with myself. And as all things go in life, consistency is impossible to stabilize. So here I am...again...documenting my shattered soul in black pixels; appealing as a passing interest to all who dare read this heart on my sleeve.

While Ana's call has been turned down to a alluring whisper in the back of my mind, Mia has jumped to the plate, constantly belting out her sirens call. To divulge further,  I have been on her erratic regime of at least two binge/purge episodes a day.

It just sometimes feels like, I'd rather of not slipped into this abyss of a rabbit hole. My enamel is deteriorating, I get a high of being dizzy, and the sadistic duo, Miana, is bleeding me dry. I know what kind of net I've been trapped in, but the thing is...I don't want to escape. I suppose that makes me sound like a masochist. :/

I am so very tired of pretending I'm fine.  Let's be honest, it really is the biggest lie in the world to say "I'm fine/ok." And yet, I can't display my genuine emotions for fear of drawing attention to myself. Goodness...I just...want to experience my cycle of masochism & sadism alone. I think that says it all there...Miana is a routine S & M tyrant.


For all those out there reading, I do believe this is my return. I am home.

~Noi

The Nightmare of Mia

I cracked. I was so thristy and hungry that I went downstairs late at night/early in the morning and gorged myself in a downwards spiral of gluttony. Halfway through the pumpkin pie, the guilt of binging kicked in and I could feel the anxiety of the caloric number rising like bile in my throat. As a Pro Mia, I knew just what to do...purge it all.

Now, I have my own method with purging. If I know I am too late to vomit, I use a high dosage of a combination of laxatives (such as different pills and teas). However, if I know I can still pull it all up, I use a single chopstick to stimulate my gag reflex---and this usually works but, today it didn't.

I tried and tried and tried, over and over again without an success. I was disgusted with myself, since I knew that the caloric number was waaaayyyyy over my limit of 600 (which still feels like a lot to me).

I wasn't sure why it wasn't working. In a panic, I rushed to the pharmacy down the street and bought a box of 90 lax pills. After popping 6, I still felt grossly obese so, I walked 10 miles in hopes that the movement would help the purging process---if not just to burn off some calories.
I know Ana was there cackling at my failure. "This is what you get for eating, for being weak."

I think I'm going to retreat back to repetitive eating and liquid fasting. I'm not strong enough to allow myself to eat whatever I please. This is Ana's domain, Mia is only invited in to punish me.


Food truly is the Enemy,
               ~Noi

New Tactics for the Big Challenge

The dreaded day of all Anas is approaching...Thanksgiving!!! Now, this isn't usually a big deal for me...one, I usually get sick around Thanksgiving and almost always spend the day bedridden and two, I'm a vegan. Last year, I slept the majority of the day and went downstairs just as the guests were leaving. Because my parents resent the fact that I am vegan, they don't bother making any food for me specifically. Which is both bad and good. I am being neglected but, hey, I don't have to eat. So, yay!

Anywho, heading back to my hometown is risky buisiness. I'm not allowed to go to the gym while I am there (they'll give the key to my overweight sister but not me) so, I think I am going to be restricting as much as I can.
Makes sense, right? If I am not burning the calories, then I should not be eating as much.

It goes without saying that I will be purging still...old habits die hard. I think I'll wander around town too--exercise plus, I don't really want to hang around the hostile household. It's motivation to not eat (when I am upset) but, it just is too much stress that I really could do without.

I want to be happy...and thin. Is that really such a difficult request?


Best of Luck on the Dreaded Day of Gluttony,
                                               ~Noi

A Better Alternative?

I've purged pretty much everyday this week, doubling up with lax and the ole' fashion way. Now, I'm fairly clever at hiding it now...heading to different bathrooms on campus for my lax purgings and cranking up the music/locking the door/disposing in a plastic bag for my throw-up purgings. But...after a week and a half of this, I'm starting to reconsider.

My mouth is beginning to feel sore and, yesterday, a little blood came up when I was vomiting. Sooooo......since it doesn't take a genius to figure this out, I'm gonna run back into Ana's perfectly tiny arms and take a break from Mia (although I do still love her).

I know I'm gonna feel absolutely horrid about the empty calories later but, I'm going out tonight (meaning drinks and the what not). Maybe I'll just wean a single drink throughout the evening; two is the limit. And just to be safe, since I don't want any globs of disgusting FAT hanging on, tomorrow I'll try to stay outside (in the cold) for the majority of the day and I'll go to the gym for a min of 2 hours.

Giving all my love and myself to Ana,
                              ~Noi

The Servitude of Alice

Fingers outreach,
               the    Gluttony   tingling at their tips
      Grasping    Sin,
Your claws uplift
                  Desire fades...
           Giving way to W e a k n e s s
The    Naughty    sliding d o w n  the rabbit hole
                                                          ...But it is too L a t e

Regretfully,
                 This is no
                               Wonderland.

Fingers outreach, again
            Trembling with a sudden H a t r e d
Darkness parts,
       unveiling your first Queen
"Do it,"
        She hisses,
                leaning closer as the show begins
                      "Please me, my pet."
Her beautiful frail fingers stroke Her swan neck,
         "You know what to do."

Tentatively...
            D
                       o
                                  w
                                          n
                                 D
                           o
                     w
            n
    D
           o 
                  w
                            n
Your gullet
           Your fingers travel
"Deeper," Mia coos,
Her     Perfection    urging you
                                      To the b r i n k of      Guilt.

Out the   Poison   comes.
      A lovely flush
Rising to your skin's surface;
                    Yet...with Eyes tearing,
the      Sin       still slumbers in your chamber.

Colorful pills of H o p e
               Replace your Fingers.
Falling further and further
                                    D o w n .

Mia smiles.
          Success.

This is the but the B e g i n n i n g
                                        Of something   Beautiful.

Mia is only the W h i t e Queen,
                               It is the R e d we all seek.
                                             And that is how it E
                                                                           n
                                                                    d
                                                                s,
In Wonderland...
                With the T o x i c L u s t
                                       of Ana.