Select Foods

As with any person with an eating disorder, I feel comfortable within controlled boundaries. This being said, I have slid into this habit where I only want to eat 3 foods: Unsweetened Creamy Soy nut Butter, Bananas, and Orange Juice (not from concentrate). It makes sense when I think about it, as in "if I'm allowed ____# of calories, I want to eat the ones I want."

However, I can't help but feel guilty when I do eat--anytime I eat for that matter. In prior years, I had the closure of only eating certain foods. It made me feel safe, except this round, absolutely everything I do feels judged and a bit reprehensible. This past Thursday, for instance, I binged on those 3 foods...eating what I would assume to be 800 calories. Due to this, I took nine laxatives and, consequently, felt too ill to go to the gym.

I feel like I should be stricter but, I'm already putting up those ever familiar walls. I don't like going to the dining halls here--I always feel like people are staring at me eating; as goes the same for if my roommate is in the dorm, I don't eat around her.

I love the 3 far too much to stop this pattern. It gives me control over not consuming grains (carbs) and not being tempted to break my one plate rule in the dining halls. I hope this will bring result soon enough.

P.S.
Watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (any of the years). It was such a thinspiration!!

Striving for Perfection,
                       ~Noi

The Nightmare of Mia

I cracked. I was so thristy and hungry that I went downstairs late at night/early in the morning and gorged myself in a downwards spiral of gluttony. Halfway through the pumpkin pie, the guilt of binging kicked in and I could feel the anxiety of the caloric number rising like bile in my throat. As a Pro Mia, I knew just what to do...purge it all.

Now, I have my own method with purging. If I know I am too late to vomit, I use a high dosage of a combination of laxatives (such as different pills and teas). However, if I know I can still pull it all up, I use a single chopstick to stimulate my gag reflex---and this usually works but, today it didn't.

I tried and tried and tried, over and over again without an success. I was disgusted with myself, since I knew that the caloric number was waaaayyyyy over my limit of 600 (which still feels like a lot to me).

I wasn't sure why it wasn't working. In a panic, I rushed to the pharmacy down the street and bought a box of 90 lax pills. After popping 6, I still felt grossly obese so, I walked 10 miles in hopes that the movement would help the purging process---if not just to burn off some calories.
I know Ana was there cackling at my failure. "This is what you get for eating, for being weak."

I think I'm going to retreat back to repetitive eating and liquid fasting. I'm not strong enough to allow myself to eat whatever I please. This is Ana's domain, Mia is only invited in to punish me.


Food truly is the Enemy,
               ~Noi

Pop It

I tried to continue my liquid diet onto a two day length but let myself partake in dinner. I kinda sorta did this method before, where I would eat only dinner (after 5pm) and fast the rest of the time...this method brought quick results--as I counted exactly 24 hrs in between eating. I think I'm gonna go this route again, instead of a every other day liquid diet (as I feel like I eat soooo much on my solid days).

Any who, I was pretty good at not eating until 6pm. Despite this, I was having one of those days where you can look in the mirror and absolutely HATE yourself. Sure, I know I have a nice face (as I am complimented on it all the time) but, telling a girl she has a nice face is something you tell a FAT girl because her body just doesn't match up.

So what did I do with all this guilt? I did what I always do, pop large amounts of certain vitamins and chemical capsules that promote the metabolism and burning of fat. Sometimes I use diet pills but, I always feel like those purposely draw an appetite so you buy more. Personally, I buy specific non-mainstream diet pills online...it cuts the chance that it is just a caffeine pill (although I do have a bottle of caffeine pills).

This is usually how the cycle starts: I eat reasonably "good" food ('safe' of coarse), pop some pills because I feel like I need to burn away every last calorie, give up hope of burning and switch to popping laxatives, and end up purging it all.

The problem with purging, however, is that I think some people in my dorm are beginning to catch on to me...
I'm terrified of being caught...

Wish me luck that this dirty little secret doesn't get found out,
                            ~Noi

Fail

I feel utterly disgusted with myself....I caved when my roomie asked me to lunch, even though I would have been all set with my quadruple shot cappuccino w/ soy. The disgusting heavy sensation is calling for Mia. I've taken 9 lax in a row...but I'm so scared it's not working. Ana would be ashamed of me too, I broke my only produce rule and had a vegan-friendly veggie burger---which you know has to be completely saturated in salt or something. I hate myself for it. I couldn't even go throw it up because my roomie was in the room with me. Fuck. I think I'm gonna go pop some more lax....and skip dinner....and skip breakfast/brunch/lunch.

 I don't want to eat anymore. This is how it was last year. I used Mia to get to 120lbs and then Ana took over until I was at the beautiful 100lbs. When I was "recovering," which I really regret because it get's hard to stop once you start, I switch from Ana to Mia again. Then I had an awful period where I didn't care and ate what I wanted like the fat cow I am. My hip and ribs stopped protruding and.....I got my period back. Now, if that isn't a wake up call, I don't know what is.

All my EDNOS habits are coming back and, hopefully, they will keep me headed down the numbers.

Think Thin,
                 Noi~

I Don't Need It

I have been pretty damn proud of myself as of late. Since restricting to only fruits and veg (mostly veg, it has less cals), I have been feeling a lot lighter. And I don't mean lighter as in lbs, since I didn't bring my scale with me, but I mean...I just don't feel that horrible sensation of being weighed down. Of coarse, I would have more so LOVED if I didn't have the lbs...but I know I'm getting closer to my goal everyday.

I...want to not have to eat. I wish I could just coast through on nothing but air. I hate myself so much, not during the actual eating but, in the aftermath. I cannot even describe how much more awful I feel when I go with people to the dining hall. It's like I can feel them staring at me, I mean, my god, I am eating a freaking salad  with maybe some red wine vinegar & olive oil combo or a mustard & pepper combo. What is the big deal?

Maybe I should just go back into excuse mode and skip eating all together, not just breakfast and dinner. I really hate that word: Breakfast. Why on earth would I want to Break Fasting?
Ugh, I think I'm gonna go choke down some lax, this salad feels awful inside me...

~Noi

The Great Disappearing Act

Would it be twisted for me to say that I thoroughly enjoy, and even, dare I say, relish the sensation of starving? Like I said earlier, I hate the feeling you get after you eat--that horrible bulky, bloated feeling. It has actually gotten to the point where I cannot stand having something as lite as a salad inside me. Much thanks to Mia, she really has helped me out immensely when it comes to getting rid of the heavy feeling. I love her so much, her support has been paying off quite nicely, as I now see the edge of my collar bone jutting out of my shoulder.

This is the beginning of my great disappearing act...I enjoy being empty as my disgusting lbs fade away, leading me closer to Ana's cold world of perfection. Beauty is pain, right? Yet, like before, I get to that point where I don't feel hunger; I only hear the odd gurgle of my gut. In fact, I would say, I get to that point where I feel absolutely nothing at all. It's all part of the act, folks, be amazed as I disappear before your very eyes.

Ana has been keeping me on the ball, as of late, as well. I have dutifully been going to the gym, here at college, every single day. Today, I am just so proud of myself because I do believe I ate under 500 cals!! Yay me!! All I had today were 3 double shot cappuccinos with steamed soy (estimating roughly around 200 cals...as coffee contains 0, the rest were from the soy) and 1 meager salad (estimating roughly around 200 again). I had no dinner but, the weird bulky feeling is still here...which I don't understand as the salad really wasn't extravagant in anyway. Oh well, guess Mia can help me out here...


         ~Noi

Love like Winter

As the weather is transitioning here from summer to autumn, I know I will, once again, be able to slid in the comforting ease of Ana.

Last year, around this time, I was already beginning my descent into perfection. The numbing air was an absolute fantastic distraction from food, as all I could think about was how cold I was and how delicious it would be to cuddle near a warm fire. I had need not food, or any wavering weakness, as I thoroughly enjoyed watching my nails change into that delectable shade of bluish white. Not to mention, and take note to this, fellow EDNOS, that the season of cold is the best time to lose weight--despite what the media portrays as the period of "stocking up for the winter."

What many fail to comprehend, is that by being constantly surrounded by a cold environment, the body initiates homeostasis. To put simply, the body is burning fat, calories, and muscle mass just to maintain a steady, consistent body temperature. So...thank you to New York's fabulous lake effect snow. <3

Why people eat so much during the winter still baffles me. My mindset, during the lovely, frost-covered months, is that I can be completely and utterly satisfied with a nice cup of tea. The three teas which are most effective at making one drop the disgusting lbs are:
                   ~Green Tea (it is common knowledge that this raises one's metabolism)
                   ~Oolong Tea (it is well known in China as a tea that clears out one's digestive system)
                   ~Senna Tea/asian dieting tea (in an ode to any lovers of Mia, this tea acts as a stimulant laxative)

To all that seek a thinner beauty,
let the first fall of snow be as
perfect as we all will be.
                                    ~Noi

Getting back on the Ball

I'm so determined to drop the lbs again. I've already cut out carbs and am only eating produce. I think that's all I can do at this point because I'm a vegan (which is entirely unrelated to my EDs). I distinctly remember that this was my first step to losing, this time last year. I used carbs as a treat though, like eating a slice of tapioca bread toasted with honey every time I was able to drop. I'm running out of diet pills though, so I think I'm gonna get some more soon. Mia and I have been pretty tight lately, if i'm weak and binge she's there helping me purge everything out. I think I kinda like laxatives more than throwing it up, because I don't really like my face getting puffy and red.
I'm working my way down...
Stay strong, my fellow thin seekers~