A & B lead to C

It is not uncommon to fall down the winding path of self-destruction with an ED. Anorexics usually have qualities of perfectionism, persistent stubbornness, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. The are seen as unbuginging because of their strong will power and set guidelines, of which they can never stray. Bulimics are on a more radical scale, as their habits tend to be more cyclical than anorexics. They are extremists caught in a circle of poor impulse control, addiction, and are often drawn to extremities. However, the two do share a common playing ground of breaking points; self-revulsion and self-loathing can lead to self-harm (i.e. cutting.)

After my latest binge/purge, I was tipped to a breaking point where I made twenty slashes on my upper right thigh. I've never cut before, so this was a new experience entirely. With each cut, I felt my mind numb slightly more, as the anxieties of food drifted away to be replaced with the rising heat focused on my leg. I did not cry, instead watching how each long line paled on contact before pinking as the red came bubbling out.

But that was not the end--I feverishly scribbled terrible phrases and the word "fat" all over my body with a black marker. Standing in the shower two hours later, I could not help but find a hauntingly twisted beauty in how the blood swirled with the ink as the water sprinkled over the skin.

I've been told cutting is an addiction, as the cuts grow in quantity and depth with each breaking point of the soul.


Trying to avoid the serenity of the knife,
                                                 ~Noi

Rejection from the Inside

I think I have finally reached the point where my body just won't accept any breads/grains/carbs. Earlier, I was in a cooking mood; my plan was to cook for everyone else and to fast for the day. I made it to nine o'clock pm before I felt like I should eat something so, I made blueberry pancakes.

 I was picking at them while some were still in the pan but, I didn't feel much like eating the entire batch (which I probably would as a bulimic). Instead, I threw them away and rushed to the bathroom, throwing them up unintended. Only a clear, purple liquid came out, no solids, and I spent the rest of the night feeling thoroughly nauseous and shaky--of coarse, not eating anything else.

I suppose this is good in the long run but, I hate feeling ill. If anything, this rejection ordeal has completely broken whatever spirit I had left to eat "normally." Back to Ana's cold embrace from here...


To gain control is to lose weight,
                                       ~Noi

                               

Dirty Little Secrets

Has anyone every considered that life would be so much more simpler without the complexity of an ED? I was reviewing some old pictures of myself and...well, I just seemed so much happier without Ana or Mia. Not much that I can do about it now, because, as we all know, you may physically recover from your ED but it will always be there--scratching at the back of your head, slumbering until it is triggered again (hence relapses).

Not that I mind having this "dirty little secret" so to say, because, if anything, it me meaning. I'm striving for perfection. Definitely not a simple task but, it's something to live for. I want to be envied and desired, I want to be able to accept my reflection and the numbers I'm scaled by. I want to be able to have fun shopping for myself. I remember the first day I ever started fasting was right after I tried on a size 3 pair of jeans and it did not fit. Disgust is not my favorite of emotions, though it works well as a motivation.

I binged badly today, devouring a whole carton of saltine crackers (I hadn't had one in two years) and a bag of mixed nuts. My plan was full proof and I managed to screw up. God, I'm such a fucking failure. I immediately chugged three cups of senna tea mixed with Miralax, popped 5 Alli pills, 6 Slimquick pills, and 3 Dulcolax pills. My body is probably in a state of confusion right now...

I've already decided my punishment anyhow...I'm going to fast for three days. Straight up water fast, no lenience of liquid fasting this time.

School starts up again on the 23rd, I should have enough time to drop--though, it goes without saying restriction is going to be more serious once I get back (three jobs should keep me distracted).


Cheers for Day 1 of the fast,
                              ~Noi