Rejection from the Inside

I think I have finally reached the point where my body just won't accept any breads/grains/carbs. Earlier, I was in a cooking mood; my plan was to cook for everyone else and to fast for the day. I made it to nine o'clock pm before I felt like I should eat something so, I made blueberry pancakes.

 I was picking at them while some were still in the pan but, I didn't feel much like eating the entire batch (which I probably would as a bulimic). Instead, I threw them away and rushed to the bathroom, throwing them up unintended. Only a clear, purple liquid came out, no solids, and I spent the rest of the night feeling thoroughly nauseous and shaky--of coarse, not eating anything else.

I suppose this is good in the long run but, I hate feeling ill. If anything, this rejection ordeal has completely broken whatever spirit I had left to eat "normally." Back to Ana's cold embrace from here...


To gain control is to lose weight,
                                       ~Noi

                               

Dirty Little Secrets

Has anyone every considered that life would be so much more simpler without the complexity of an ED? I was reviewing some old pictures of myself and...well, I just seemed so much happier without Ana or Mia. Not much that I can do about it now, because, as we all know, you may physically recover from your ED but it will always be there--scratching at the back of your head, slumbering until it is triggered again (hence relapses).

Not that I mind having this "dirty little secret" so to say, because, if anything, it me meaning. I'm striving for perfection. Definitely not a simple task but, it's something to live for. I want to be envied and desired, I want to be able to accept my reflection and the numbers I'm scaled by. I want to be able to have fun shopping for myself. I remember the first day I ever started fasting was right after I tried on a size 3 pair of jeans and it did not fit. Disgust is not my favorite of emotions, though it works well as a motivation.

I binged badly today, devouring a whole carton of saltine crackers (I hadn't had one in two years) and a bag of mixed nuts. My plan was full proof and I managed to screw up. God, I'm such a fucking failure. I immediately chugged three cups of senna tea mixed with Miralax, popped 5 Alli pills, 6 Slimquick pills, and 3 Dulcolax pills. My body is probably in a state of confusion right now...

I've already decided my punishment anyhow...I'm going to fast for three days. Straight up water fast, no lenience of liquid fasting this time.

School starts up again on the 23rd, I should have enough time to drop--though, it goes without saying restriction is going to be more serious once I get back (three jobs should keep me distracted).


Cheers for Day 1 of the fast,
                              ~Noi

Serious Counting

I'm going to get serious about this weight loss--as if I wasn't serious enough to begin with. I'm going back to counting calories but, this time, I am also going to start measuring every single thing I eat/drink. No more idealistic FAT girl! I am going to go back to school thinner and lighter than ever.

Let it be known that today is the day that I am setting a goal weight to be reached before the end of January. The new goal is to be between the 115 lb -110 lb range. I will get there no matter what.

How? Here are the new rules (the two plans are interchangeable--for tricking the metabolic rate--but, I think I'm going to try to keep to Diet Plan B:

Diet Plan A
========================
-Eat a piece of nondense fruit in the morning
-Drink 3 cups of coffee
-Pop one diet pill after
-Keep self distracted and active (i.e. taking 5-10 mile minimum strolls)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-Eat a extremely lite meal (i.e. steamed veg or another piece of fruit)
-Pop one more diet pill
-Keep self distracted and active (if bored, do squats or something)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-If the day was "good," eat a dense fruit
-If the day was "bad," take lax/purge and skip last meal
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
==========================

Diet Plan B
==========================
-Drink 2 cups of coffee
-Drink 2 cups of green tea
-Wait until 5 or 7pm to eat lite meal (fruit/veg)
-Pop two diet pills
-Drink 1-2 cup/s of coffee
-Drink 1 cup of green tea
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
===========================

I will also being doing a 24 hr exclusive liquid fast once a week---meaning liquids allowed will be water, tea, and coffee (<3) only!!

I'm trading this disgusting wreck of a body for something worthy of being called thinspo. Wish me luck, darlings!!

See you on the thinner side,
                              ~Noi

Not by my Choice

My father blew up yesterday during Thanksgiving....he was livid simply because my mother made an effort and made some vegan-friendly foods for me so I could join in the meal. Yes, i am aware this does not make sense logically but, the man is crazy. He got so riled up that before I could even eat, yanked me from the table, and literally dragged me out the door into the 37 degree weather. I had no shoes or coat and my arm hurt from him.

I ended up calling the cops but, the bastard lied and made it seem as though I was disobeying him. Now, I am not allowed to eat anything in the house because..."I didn't buy it with my money."

Sure, Ana maybe happy with this situation but, I tried eating lunch on Thanksgiving and, not purposely, threw it up. So I haven't eaten in two days now...I don't think he's even gonna let me have water.

I hate this so much and...I'm not even sure what to do. I'm scared. He says that he's going to cut off my funds for college too. I'm so tired of this "family." An abusive childhood was enough for me but, for it to continue into adulthood...I just don't know how much more I can take.


Silently screaming,
                 ~Noi

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

During Autumn of 2010, I was able to quickly and easily drop large quantities of weight in a short amount of time. By doing this, although I did not have a final goal weight, I was able to reach a thinner, more perfect form. However, the shorter time spand only set the foundation to gain it just as quickly back.

So, this time around...I'm gonna do it slower. Most weight loss journals and tips (for the average fat joe/jane), all suggest that by taking the weight loss process at a slower pace promises longer results. This is mainly because your body can adjust easier to the new weight levels. For instance, were one to Pro Ana diet their way down and hit a plateau, the slow pace it took to reach that level then ensure that the plateau will break once they take a period of "normal" eating, quicken their metabolic rate, and, thus, continue losing.

Rapidly dropping pounds is, therefore, not optimal for the long run. I mean, would you rather be thinner longer (and perhaps forever--by adjusting your body slowly) or quicker. Sure, quicker is pretty damn tempting but, who doesn't want to stay perfect forever? I know I do.


Strategy is key, my darlings,
                         ~Noi

A Better Alternative?

I've purged pretty much everyday this week, doubling up with lax and the ole' fashion way. Now, I'm fairly clever at hiding it now...heading to different bathrooms on campus for my lax purgings and cranking up the music/locking the door/disposing in a plastic bag for my throw-up purgings. But...after a week and a half of this, I'm starting to reconsider.

My mouth is beginning to feel sore and, yesterday, a little blood came up when I was vomiting. Sooooo......since it doesn't take a genius to figure this out, I'm gonna run back into Ana's perfectly tiny arms and take a break from Mia (although I do still love her).

I know I'm gonna feel absolutely horrid about the empty calories later but, I'm going out tonight (meaning drinks and the what not). Maybe I'll just wean a single drink throughout the evening; two is the limit. And just to be safe, since I don't want any globs of disgusting FAT hanging on, tomorrow I'll try to stay outside (in the cold) for the majority of the day and I'll go to the gym for a min of 2 hours.

Giving all my love and myself to Ana,
                              ~Noi

Pop It

I tried to continue my liquid diet onto a two day length but let myself partake in dinner. I kinda sorta did this method before, where I would eat only dinner (after 5pm) and fast the rest of the time...this method brought quick results--as I counted exactly 24 hrs in between eating. I think I'm gonna go this route again, instead of a every other day liquid diet (as I feel like I eat soooo much on my solid days).

Any who, I was pretty good at not eating until 6pm. Despite this, I was having one of those days where you can look in the mirror and absolutely HATE yourself. Sure, I know I have a nice face (as I am complimented on it all the time) but, telling a girl she has a nice face is something you tell a FAT girl because her body just doesn't match up.

So what did I do with all this guilt? I did what I always do, pop large amounts of certain vitamins and chemical capsules that promote the metabolism and burning of fat. Sometimes I use diet pills but, I always feel like those purposely draw an appetite so you buy more. Personally, I buy specific non-mainstream diet pills online...it cuts the chance that it is just a caffeine pill (although I do have a bottle of caffeine pills).

This is usually how the cycle starts: I eat reasonably "good" food ('safe' of coarse), pop some pills because I feel like I need to burn away every last calorie, give up hope of burning and switch to popping laxatives, and end up purging it all.

The problem with purging, however, is that I think some people in my dorm are beginning to catch on to me...
I'm terrified of being caught...

Wish me luck that this dirty little secret doesn't get found out,
                            ~Noi

The Battling of Two Sides

Today, like I promised, is a liquid fast day. And I know I was just so motivated and set on doing it but, just sitting here now....temptation is battling my motivation. The morning was easy, as I have an early morning dance class, so I'm able to easily skip breakfast and be able to burn calories. One of the girls in that class is soooo skinny, almost pixie-like, and I have a hunch that she is Pro Ana---because there is absolutely no way someone can look like that and just be ectomorph. Any who, my next class was talking about the revolution of packaging and how cereal came to be.....

This isn't good, since I know I promised to only eat produce, but that recollecting sensation in the back of my tongue brought back that crunchy satisfying texture that one experiences with cereal. Obviously cereal is bad...mainstream cereal being even worse with the notorious high fructose corn syrup (which makes you fat because it slows down your metabolism) and any corn derived ingredient. Corn is fed to cows to fatten them up. And I am not a cow. So what did I do? I used to eat the super healthy organic cereals (w/o corn ingredients)--and I'm not talking about Kashi...which is basically all evaporated cane sugar.
But cereal = carbs, which = bad.

I haven't touched the stuff in a while, wanting to gift it to myself once I get down to 118 lbs, at least but....I have been hankering for it.


Here's the motivation that stopped me from walking 30 min. to the grocery here....there's this cute guy in my dorm. Yes, yes, he is taken...aren't all the good ones? But, I just want to make him feel like I'm attractive, you know? It all sounds very stupid but, if I were to drop 20 lbs....I might just be able to draw him closer. Not that I want to be the other woman....I have far too much dignity for that.

Let's hope I can keep on the liquids for the rest of the day....
                        ~Noi

Motivation ---> Fasting

So, I had to return to my home town for break...despite not wanting to but, I get in the car and my parents instantly start lecturing me. And it went on and on and on....continuing until 8pm (when I was already back at the house). This goes without saying that my parents' version of "lecturing" includes lots of yelling, sarcastic laughing, and lapses of bringing up the past.
I hate it but, the good can come from the bad. Getting upset was always a big motivation for me in the past with Ana. I don't know exactly how to explain it but, I suppose it's just a small way I can get back at people; I know that sounds pretty twisted but, it works wonders.

I'm comparing myself a lot to my weight loss of last year; I want to get better at it. By Halloween of 2010, I weighed 118 lbs. This year, I want to either get there or, what I would love, I want to weigh 115 lbs by Halloween. I will get there, no doubt, especially since I have 2 more days in this horrible place.
I am so glad that I am no longer pushing 140 disgusting pounds from the 130s. I'm kinda surprised that college is not such a difficult place to purge in---although at "home," it is EASYYY. I'm gonna have to switch over to restricting soon enough, though, since
1) people are gonna catch on to my purging
2) restricting gets quicker results
Despite this I do both, purging on forbidden foods (like carbs) and anytime I feel the dreaded bulk.....

Well, wish this fast will last,
                              ~Noi

Body Types

So...there are three body types in the world: ectomorph, mesomorph, and endomorph.
I'm sure all of us can easily say, "I wish I was a ectomorph."

Ectomorphs are basically naturally skinny; the have delicate frames with very little muscle and have an incredible difficulty gaining weight because of their extremely fast metabolism. They can lose fat fairly effortlessly and have to eat waaaayyy past the "recommended" number of calories just to gain.
Now, I'm sure all of us have had that skinny friend...you know, the one that can eat 7 slices of pizza (with the "works"), a whole bottle of soda, and the entire bag of "family sized" chips and still want a hot fudge sundae for dessert. I hate that kind of person because of their set dispossession.

But, you see, our jealously most often gives birth to Ana.

I know that I was born a mesomorph, yet, sometimes, I cannot help but feel like an endomorph.
Now, mesomorphs gain fat more easily than ectpmorphs. Most often, a mesomorph is identified by their "athletic" body structure (i.e. they are naturally strong and gain muscle easily). While I do not care for being born a mesomorph, I do like the fact that they can just as easily lose as they gain--which gives me some glimmer of hope. However, to do this, a mesomorph would need to watch their caloric intake.

I did not want to go here, as this is the horrid nightmare that keeps me up at night.
Endomorphs, need I say more? They are, unfortunately, predisposed at being fat. Generally, they have a round physique, in a short and stocky sense. Endos have thick limbs, have a higher percentage of body fat, and find it easy to gain weight because of their dreadfully slow metabolism.

Now, as I do like to follow the glimmer of hope, anyone can reach the perfection of Ana--no mater what your body type...although endos will need to keep at it for a while.
It really is all about determination and persistence.
Why do I say this? I was once able to touch down to the beautiful number of 100 lbs (which gave me a limboing size between 0 and 00). It is possible.

Do not give up, darlings.
                                 ~Noi