Pleasant Surprises

Because I am far, far away from my scale in college, I haven't kept track of any numbers in a long while. However, I can usually guess where I am--last year I was obsessed with the scale numbers so, I can judge where I am by glancing in the mirror.
BUT!!!
Since, I just haven't had any appetite, I quite literally stopped eating (check the former plan/last post).

Out of sheer curiosity today, I borrowed my roomie's measuring tape. The results surprised me...I'm back to a 24 in. waistline. Of coarse, the comments I have been getting when people come into contact with me (yoga buddies, hugging, etc.) never sunk in until I saw that beautiful 24 on the tape. I've heard, "You're so tiny, I feel like I'm going to break you," "You remind me of a pixie--so cute and skinny," "You're so light, if I threw you in the air the wind would probably take you away." Music to my ears.

Funny thing is, is that I wasn't even aiming to lose weight...I just wanted to have an empty, flat stomach to impress my lovers. I mean, sex would just be awful if I was full; I would too self-conscious of my food baby and that would affect my performance and enjoyment.


Laughs aside, I am simply ecstatic <3 ,
                               ~Noi

Dirty Little Secrets

Has anyone every considered that life would be so much more simpler without the complexity of an ED? I was reviewing some old pictures of myself and...well, I just seemed so much happier without Ana or Mia. Not much that I can do about it now, because, as we all know, you may physically recover from your ED but it will always be there--scratching at the back of your head, slumbering until it is triggered again (hence relapses).

Not that I mind having this "dirty little secret" so to say, because, if anything, it me meaning. I'm striving for perfection. Definitely not a simple task but, it's something to live for. I want to be envied and desired, I want to be able to accept my reflection and the numbers I'm scaled by. I want to be able to have fun shopping for myself. I remember the first day I ever started fasting was right after I tried on a size 3 pair of jeans and it did not fit. Disgust is not my favorite of emotions, though it works well as a motivation.

I binged badly today, devouring a whole carton of saltine crackers (I hadn't had one in two years) and a bag of mixed nuts. My plan was full proof and I managed to screw up. God, I'm such a fucking failure. I immediately chugged three cups of senna tea mixed with Miralax, popped 5 Alli pills, 6 Slimquick pills, and 3 Dulcolax pills. My body is probably in a state of confusion right now...

I've already decided my punishment anyhow...I'm going to fast for three days. Straight up water fast, no lenience of liquid fasting this time.

School starts up again on the 23rd, I should have enough time to drop--though, it goes without saying restriction is going to be more serious once I get back (three jobs should keep me distracted).


Cheers for Day 1 of the fast,
                              ~Noi

Cultural Standards of Weight

Beyond the ED community there are set standards of one's size depending upon the surrounding environment. In most dense Caucasian societies, such as the UK and the US, there is a stressed focus on voluptuous women (i.e. large breasts and bum/also known as curvy). The is quite counter-intuitive for Pro Anas, as we aim for a smaller, lighter perfection--which is probably why our life style is frowned upon by some.

In my lifetime, I have been fortunate enough to be a world traveler...and I can definitely vouch for this but, there are other areas where the petite, pixie like image of Ana is hailed as much as it is in the ED community. For instance, in most parts of Asia the entire culture embraces a set weight/tiny figure. As I do have an Asian background, I have noticed the standards differ slightly in each country.

In China, there is a saying that "A good girl shouldn't weigh more than 100 lbs." If you happened to be sitting in a restaurant, being obviously heavier than 100 lbs, the other customers are terribly mean at poking rude comments at you--especially if you are not eating lite (though this is not just limited to restaurants). Not to mention, not weighing less brings shame to your family.

In South Korea, not being skinny (or any where near it) was as reprehensible as coming home with a report card full of F's (and we all know how horrific that is...especially in an Asian household). I have seen mothers forbidding their children to eat and giving them special Asian diet pills.

Asia has an extremely pressured atmosphere for being stick skinny; while it does serve to tear your self-esteem apart, it does surround you with 24/7 walking thinspo and access to FDA banned diet pills.So, good or bad, it gets you where you want.


Embrace the Asian invasion,
                                 ~Noi

Decoding Your Cravings

To be skinny, one must first enter a diet. Sure, you can exercise but, in reality, weight loss is 90% diet and 10% exercise. As you may have noticed, from whatever meal plan you take part in (as this applies to all), is that you have weak moments where you are highly likely to stray from your set path. Indulging in such episodes will result in: weight gain, guilt, remorse, hatred, sorrow, pain, etc. etc.

Of coarse, you don't want that. So, you need to become familiar with what your brain REALLY is desiring when a craving strikes (P.S. opt for your "safe" food from the choices, I included options that apply to an omnivore diet. If you are vegan--like me--or vegetarian <lacto-ovo, lacto, or ovo> obviously choose what applies to your diet.)

If you crave this...	What you really need is...	And here are foods that have it:
Chocolate	Magnesium	Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits
Sweets	Chromium	Broccoli, grapes, cheese, dried beans, calves liver, chicken
	Carbon	Fresh fruits
	Phosphorus	Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes, grains
	Sulfur	Cranberries, horseradish, cruciferous vegetables, kale, cabbage
	Tryptophan	Cheese, liver, lamb, raisins, sweet potato, spinach
Bread, toast, carbs	Nitrogen	High protein foods: fish, meat, nuts, beans
Oily snacks, fatty foods	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
Coffee or tea	Phosphorous	Chicken, beef, liver, poultry, fish, eggs, dairy, nuts, legumes
	Sulfur	Egg yolks, red peppers, muscle protein, garlic, onion, cruciferous vegetables
	NaCl (salt)	Sea salt, apple cider vinegar (on salad)
	Iron	Meat, fish and poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries
Alcohol, recreational drugs	Protein	Meat, poultry, seafood, dairy, nuts
	Avenin	Granola, oatmeal
	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
	Glutamine	Supplement glutamine powder for withdrawal, raw cabbage juice
	Potassium	Sun-dried black olives, potato peel broth, seaweed, bitter greens
Chewing ice	Iron	Meat, fish, poultry, seaweed, greens, black cherries
Burnt food	Carbon	Fresh fruits
Soda and other carbonated drinks	Calcium	Mustard and turnip greens, broccoli, kale, legumes, cheese, sesame
Salty foods	Chloride	Raw goat milk, fish, unrefined sea salt
Acid foods	Magnesium	Raw nuts and seeds, legumes, fruits
Preference for liquids rather than solids	Water	Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day.
Preference for solids rather than liquids	Water	You have been so dehydrated for so long that you have lost your thirst. Flavor water with lemon or lime. You need 8 to 10 glasses per day.
Cool drinks	Manganese	Walnuts, almonds, pecans, pineapple, blueberries
Pre-menstrual cravings	Zinc	Red meats (especially organ meats), seafood, leafy vegetables, root vegetables
General overeating	Silicon	Nuts, seeds; avoid refined starches
	Tryptophan	Cheese, liver, lamb, raisins, sweet potato, spinach
	Tyrosine	Vitamin C supplements or orange, green, red fruits and vegetables
Lack of appetite	Vitamin B1	Nuts, seeds, beans, liver and other organ meats
	Vitamin B3	Tuna, halibut, beef, chicken, turkey, pork, seeds and legumes
	Manganese	Walnuts, almonds, pecans, pineapple, blueberries
	Chloride	Raw goat milk, unrefined sea salt
Tobacco	Silicon	Nuts, seeds; avoid refined starches
	Tyrosine	Vitamin C supplements or orange, green and red fruits and vegetables

Ketosis Dieting

Hello lovelies!!
I've been staying true to my plan since I last posted and, I do have to say, I've been feeling cleaner. When I was at my highest, I had gained all my weight back from binging on nuts...so, I know I have a weakness towards them. Luckily, I've broken my attachment to unsweetened soynut butter by refusing to purchase it any longer (though the cravings still call me).

Anywho, since my last post I've joined a Pro Ana/ Pro Mia group on Facebook--which is incredibly supportive and sustainable against my urges to binge. Recently, someone had mentioned ketosis dieting. Now, I have heard this term before when I was hiding my anorexia from doctors and such.

Apparently, ketosis is when the body reaches a point where it will burn fat storages. It is obtained when people consume less/no carbs so the body turns to using ketone reserves as energy. This is quite good because, incidently, the cardiac, kidneys, and the majority of brain cells prefer using ketones over using glucose.

The secret to reaching this state is to consume a no fat/ low carb diet. Controversially, some websites say quite the opposite; to consume an all fat/ all protein/ no carb diet. Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this is completely retarded--honestly, why would you consume a plate of fatty animal carcass, as opposed to a plate of steamed non-starchy veggies, and expect to lose weight?

Catch is, it takes a restrictive diet to reach ketosis (ABC anyone?). However, ketosis can be reached quicker through a minimum four day fast...as it takes three days to kick it in and one day to burn. I think I'll try this out next week.


Burning what hinders us,
                              ~Noi

Serious Counting

I'm going to get serious about this weight loss--as if I wasn't serious enough to begin with. I'm going back to counting calories but, this time, I am also going to start measuring every single thing I eat/drink. No more idealistic FAT girl! I am going to go back to school thinner and lighter than ever.

Let it be known that today is the day that I am setting a goal weight to be reached before the end of January. The new goal is to be between the 115 lb -110 lb range. I will get there no matter what.

How? Here are the new rules (the two plans are interchangeable--for tricking the metabolic rate--but, I think I'm going to try to keep to Diet Plan B:

Diet Plan A
========================
-Eat a piece of nondense fruit in the morning
-Drink 3 cups of coffee
-Pop one diet pill after
-Keep self distracted and active (i.e. taking 5-10 mile minimum strolls)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-Eat a extremely lite meal (i.e. steamed veg or another piece of fruit)
-Pop one more diet pill
-Keep self distracted and active (if bored, do squats or something)
-Drink 1 cup green tea
-If the day was "good," eat a dense fruit
-If the day was "bad," take lax/purge and skip last meal
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
==========================

Diet Plan B
==========================
-Drink 2 cups of coffee
-Drink 2 cups of green tea
-Wait until 5 or 7pm to eat lite meal (fruit/veg)
-Pop two diet pills
-Drink 1-2 cup/s of coffee
-Drink 1 cup of green tea
-Drink 1 cup of warm lemon water
===========================

I will also being doing a 24 hr exclusive liquid fast once a week---meaning liquids allowed will be water, tea, and coffee (<3) only!!

I'm trading this disgusting wreck of a body for something worthy of being called thinspo. Wish me luck, darlings!!

See you on the thinner side,
                              ~Noi

Liquid Calories

I think I'm going to stop drinking. I mean, I always follow the binge drinking rules but, I feel like I could do without those extra calories. It seems so unnecessary anyway, drinking every single weekend. Before Halloweekend tipped me off onto excessive partying, I was going to the gym every single day of the week for two hour minimum workouts.Besides, when I'm hung over, I don't even feel like going to the gym...

I'm looking for appetite suppressants right now. I tried all types of diet pills, caffeine sources, chinese herbs, natural methods but, I think I'm going to give drugs a try. Being on a college campus makes pretty much anything available. It doesn't frighten me, though I feel it should. I've researched every item on the list and I know which would help me in this situation. The way I see it, as long as I don't get hooked, I'll lose weight and be just fine.

Exploring other methods,
                        ~Noi

Purge Comparison

There is a confusion among people that laxatives do not help one lose weight. This is incorrect, as I can vouch using myself as evidence. Now, for any beginning Pro Mias or even the experienced, purging can be done in several ways (i.e. vomiting, exercising, etc.). However, what some Mias don't realize (if they are bulimia purging sub-type), is that there is a difference in calorie loss depending on ones method. Vomiting eliminate 50-70 % of the calories consumed, while laxative usage eliminate 10-30% of calories consumed.

Those stats alone would convince anyone to opt for the vomit method but, I recommend to vomit as unfequently as possible--or at least until ones throat sore and little spots of red come out. Also, purge easy foods---such as mushy/soft foods like bananas, wet cereal, etc. If you are purging dry foods, like cookies for instance, make sure you drink warm water with it (not after) to make the process easy on your esophagus. 

But, while carrying on with laxatives, one needs to be aware that their body will become accostomed to one type very quickly--thus you must be constantly tricking your body by switching up (i.e. powders, pills, teas, etc.) You can also combine them...I happen to use pills and tea but, in the past I mixed the powders into the tea.


Best of Luck to You,
                    ~Noi

Ana's Holiday

I'm heading back to my hometown for the holidays but, I get six weeks off from college for the break. I'm feeling pretty good about this--I'm going to have more ease purging at home and less desire to eat because of the stress. In addition, cold weather always takes my appetite away so, I'll most likely be weaning cups of hot calorie free tea the majority of the day.

I'm reached the next stepping stone with Ana too because I no longer have to battle myself to stay away from carbs. I can't even imagine eating anything besides my "safe" foods now. I may have neglected to religiously go to the gym this week but, no matter, I haven't been eating more than 2 oranges and a spoonful of unsweet soy nut butter (besides lots and lots of water).

Six weeks is enough time to lose 10 lbs. I can't wait to get back to college and show off my new hot bod, or at least, it'll be closer to Ana's perfection than it is now. I'm weighing in tomorrow morning and I'm so very excited to see the progress my loose clothes have been hinting at all this time.


Cheers to the Ana's Holiday,
                                   ~Noi

Are you...Ana?

During the fall semester here (it's almost over), I decided to take a dance class to fulfill my performing art requirement. Since the beginning of this class, the only think that has been on my mind was whether of not this one girl was a Pro Ana. She showed all the signs that a Pro Ana would, her thighs had a huge gap at the top, you could see bones poking out, she looked pale and tired, and she had this behavior quality that could only suggest isolation or some sort; she definitely was not just an ectomorph.

The question to ask her if she was a Ana girl itched in the back of mind but, as it is rather hard to make connections with an Ana or Mia if you aren't sure if they are part of the ED community. However, today, this was not the case.

My mascara was flaking a little bit after class, so I stopped by the restroom to briefly fix it before heading of to my immediate next class. The bathroom was empty, which would have been perfect had I been purging. Then, she walked in. Fashionably dressed with perfectly thin limbs and a petite height, she reminded me of my lower days when I considered myself a hummingbird because I was so light and delicate. I could definitely pick out her bone structure through her clothes, it was sheer beauty.

I took my chances, mentally crossing my fingers and hoping she would confirm what I had wondered all this time. So I asked if she was an Ana, as I did not want to say Pro Ana because another girl had just walked in. I had to make this quick. She looked confused, not quite comprehending what I had just said. With us both awkwardly laughing about it, I hurried out. Disappointment filled my gut, the emotion churning over and over as I replayed the scene in my head. She had to be lying, just as I would have. Being an ED means keeping the secret, pretending.

I hope she comes back to inquire next class. Even as a current Mia, I want to reach out to the Anas as well. I'm aiming to revert back to Ana anyhow.


Awkwardly curious,
                      ~Noi

From Mia to Ana

When descending the pounds, it takes more and more effort to drop; different methods are needed, as well as a development of certain daily habits. In my experience, losing weight is like scaling set levels. So, using myself as a proper example (because I know what it takes to brush the border of double-digits), I will disclose techniques that worked for me.

On my profile, I listed 137 lbs as my highest weight (gross!!). The way I see it, the different levels of weight lose divide pounds into sections of ten.
During the range of 130-140, I dropped pounds because I began exercising 1 1/2 everyday (7 days a week) and I only consumed salads.
Between 120-130, I lost weight because I upped my workout to 2 hours everyday (6-7 days a week) and I began purging...A LOT (mostly lax now).

Although I am not quite at the 110-120 range yet, previously during this range, I dropped because I would eat once a day (after exactly 24 hrs had passed since last eaten) and my meal would be only fruit.
In the 100-110 range, I started a once a week fast (usually every Monday) and I ate only steamed veggies; additionally, never eating more than 200 calories...unless it was the weekend, where I would allow myself 500 calories.

It takes a lot of will-power to reach perfection but, once you're out of the Mia ranges and side with Ana...weight drops off more quickly.


Good luck, lovelies,
                      ~Noi

Not by my Choice

My father blew up yesterday during Thanksgiving....he was livid simply because my mother made an effort and made some vegan-friendly foods for me so I could join in the meal. Yes, i am aware this does not make sense logically but, the man is crazy. He got so riled up that before I could even eat, yanked me from the table, and literally dragged me out the door into the 37 degree weather. I had no shoes or coat and my arm hurt from him.

I ended up calling the cops but, the bastard lied and made it seem as though I was disobeying him. Now, I am not allowed to eat anything in the house because..."I didn't buy it with my money."

Sure, Ana maybe happy with this situation but, I tried eating lunch on Thanksgiving and, not purposely, threw it up. So I haven't eaten in two days now...I don't think he's even gonna let me have water.

I hate this so much and...I'm not even sure what to do. I'm scared. He says that he's going to cut off my funds for college too. I'm so tired of this "family." An abusive childhood was enough for me but, for it to continue into adulthood...I just don't know how much more I can take.


Silently screaming,
                 ~Noi

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

During Autumn of 2010, I was able to quickly and easily drop large quantities of weight in a short amount of time. By doing this, although I did not have a final goal weight, I was able to reach a thinner, more perfect form. However, the shorter time spand only set the foundation to gain it just as quickly back.

So, this time around...I'm gonna do it slower. Most weight loss journals and tips (for the average fat joe/jane), all suggest that by taking the weight loss process at a slower pace promises longer results. This is mainly because your body can adjust easier to the new weight levels. For instance, were one to Pro Ana diet their way down and hit a plateau, the slow pace it took to reach that level then ensure that the plateau will break once they take a period of "normal" eating, quicken their metabolic rate, and, thus, continue losing.

Rapidly dropping pounds is, therefore, not optimal for the long run. I mean, would you rather be thinner longer (and perhaps forever--by adjusting your body slowly) or quicker. Sure, quicker is pretty damn tempting but, who doesn't want to stay perfect forever? I know I do.


Strategy is key, my darlings,
                         ~Noi

Look but, Don't Touch!!

I've had a lot of time to think these past couple of days. For one, I haven't been going to the dining hall as often as I used to. I mainly only eat lunch now, since it gives me enough time to burn it/purge it before I go to sleep. However, although I am happily not experiencing the most hated "bulk" any more, I have slid into the comfortable groove of consuming the same foods everyday. I like it....but, at the same time I can't help but feel a bit bad that I am not eating as much veg as I should.

With that aside, I had to go through the uncomfortable situation of being held up in Improv class. The game entailed that I would be raised by four of guys and held there until the next scene--which, incidently, I was put in the frozen position of being still held up...but, only half way (which was scary).

I didn't like being the only girl in the scene because I knew something like this would happen. However, and I've noticed this before, when the guys were reassuring me they wouldn't drop me, all of them put a guess on my weight. They guessed I was ten pounds lighter than I actually am.

Previously, when I weighed in at 100 lbs, most people were certain I was actually 90 lbs...judging just by looking at me. I suppose I should be flattered but, I want to actually be lighter.

My clothes have been fitting looser as of late. I had to switch to a smaller jean size. Good news? This is just the start of the decline.


Never stop the loss,
                      ~Noi

New Tactics for the Big Challenge

The dreaded day of all Anas is approaching...Thanksgiving!!! Now, this isn't usually a big deal for me...one, I usually get sick around Thanksgiving and almost always spend the day bedridden and two, I'm a vegan. Last year, I slept the majority of the day and went downstairs just as the guests were leaving. Because my parents resent the fact that I am vegan, they don't bother making any food for me specifically. Which is both bad and good. I am being neglected but, hey, I don't have to eat. So, yay!

Anywho, heading back to my hometown is risky buisiness. I'm not allowed to go to the gym while I am there (they'll give the key to my overweight sister but not me) so, I think I am going to be restricting as much as I can.
Makes sense, right? If I am not burning the calories, then I should not be eating as much.

It goes without saying that I will be purging still...old habits die hard. I think I'll wander around town too--exercise plus, I don't really want to hang around the hostile household. It's motivation to not eat (when I am upset) but, it just is too much stress that I really could do without.

I want to be happy...and thin. Is that really such a difficult request?


Best of Luck on the Dreaded Day of Gluttony,
                                               ~Noi

Fueled by Triggers

One of my most successful motivators to lose weight has always been my wrath. Not rage, not anger but, just starvation as a way of pay-back. This trigger mainly came from an incident with my father. Now, as far as I can remember, my father has always been the head honcho of the household, a tyrant, and, unfortunately, an abuser. As much as I would have loved to have had a happy, pleasant childhood worth having nostalgia over--there aren't any happy memories in my past that involve that man. I still have short flashbacks of him in my nightmares...

Early in September, I decided to get a tattoo of cherry blossoms down the side length of my body. I was set on getting inked, as I had wanted to two years prior but, was waiting for the opportunity to present itself. Knowing I was covering my tracks well enough, I used my card again, today, to get my naval pierced. Only problem was...the forty-dollar piercing overspent on my account...and my account is linked to his (even though it's all my money).

After dealing with a livid phone call with the man himself, the trigger began creeping back on me. I am not going to eat anything tomorrow...my disappearing act actually an act of revenge.

Let me clarify for a sec, this horrible man, after finding out about my tattoo began accusing me of nonsense of which I am not reprehensible. He called me a whore, a crack addict, an alcoholic, a failure, bashed my veganism (he REALLY hates that I'm vegan), and, on top of it all, had the nerve to state that I "used to be happy and tell him everything." Now, realistically, I don't think anyone in their right mind would share personal details about themselves to someone so...hostile (all the time).

I have to meet with him early in the morning tomorrow; it doesn't help to add that I am also very sick (I cannot stop coughing) and this whole situation is causing me unnecessary stress...

Behind pained eyes,
                        ~Noi

Tips and Tricks to Successfully Binge-Drink

Drunkorexia....some of us may have heard the term or seen it somewhere before. Similarly to Ana, the drunkorexic staves off hunger pains and saves a certain number of calories, after having eaten limited amount, for drinking...well, booze! Being in college has been a learning experience of how to obtain easy access alcohol--and it really isn't THAT hard to get some when you know how to use being an attractive chick (at least to others) to your advantage.

So...here are the simple guidelines to follow in Binge Drinking:
1) Make a lot of connections/network...it'll make the entire process go by smoother and ensure more fun
2) Eat your allowed number of calories before drinking
3) Never drink on an empty stomach!!!
4) Keep track of your liquer intake (i.e. one shot = 100 cal & one beer/wine = 100-120 cal)
5) Make sure you balance out your food with your alcohol...if one exceeds the other you will GAIN weight
6) Always opt for alcohol over an extra meal/piece of food/dessert/whatever
7) The plus side to getting drunk, over being gluttonous, is that you can relax/have no anxiety over food issues
8) Be sure to only binge drink on the weekend, this allows spare time in the week to exercise (calorie burner)
9) End the night with lots of water (prevents a nasty hangover and acts as a diuretic)
10) If you do end up throwing up, don't feel bad about it! You didn't want those calories anyway.

Drunkorexia is, incidently, quite common to find on a college campus...so don't feel alone. There are plenty of other girls that are saving their calories for their drunk days.

Drink up and enjoy life,
                       ~Noi

A Sign?

So I have been limiting myself to one meal a day, like before, at 4:30pm. This allows me time to let my body focus on burning what it has already and rid itself of waste (because as soon as you eat, your body focuses on digesting rather than moving any excess waste/calories out).

Anyway...I went to the dining hall and found that if I go earlier, there are more vegan friendly items. But, this only brought on the temptation of gluttony. Before I knew it, I had done a public binge; eating three plates worth of steamed veggies and wild rice. The veggies are "safe" of coarse, but, it was the intrude of the carbs that brought upon the disgusting sensation of guilt and self-loathing.

Now, I had given Mia a break for a while, siding with Ana and her one meal a day rule (of safe foods only).
Disgracefully, I had let her down and I---I just had to make it up to her somehow. So, since my next class was to begin at 5:30pm, I left the dining hall at 5:08pm and rushed to the building, already knowing what I was going to do. Not a lot of kids have late night classes, as compared to morning and afternoon, so, this gave me the opportunity to purge in an empty bathroom. I've never done this before, my heart racing all through the act...just waiting for someone to come in and discover me.

My eyes were watering from the purging, my face gleaming a pinkish hue in all its puffy glory...then something caught my eye. Right along side the toilet was a bit of restroom graffiti reading, "Love Yourself." I could not believe the odds that something like that would be placed so perfectly, so coincidentally next to the toilet. My hand stopped rising back to my mouth and I felt, somewhat empty and yet, ashamed.
I left the bathroom in a hurry, taking a few minutes to clean up my appearance...

I don't know if that's supposed to mean anything but, I feel like, if it was, the message will stick with me, nonetheless, but go unheard.

Continue falling on the scale,
                        ~Noi

True Fear

Pocrescophobia, i.e. the fear of gaining weight.

I know I can empathesize with all out there who are in the same boat of Anas, Mias, and EDNOS. We all fear that horrid number on the scale but, without a doubt, we all are deathly afraid of that horrid number rising higher.

It is a consumption of the digits, we are obsessed with the number of calories we intake, the number of calories we burn, the number on the measuring tape, and the number on the scale. In the constant mind game of numbers, our brains are in a never ending loop of mathematics...and it's tiring. But not enough to stop.

For me, I wasn't counting what I burned and I never touched the measuring tape until I was at the point of having a 24 inch waist. I only ate what I thought I was worthy to eat. If I hadn't done any physical exercise/movement that day, then it was a skip day or I would limit myself to only 200 calories (equaling for me an extended prolonged meal of consuming one papaya).

I still feel like this is the case nowadays. The only exception being that I exercise religiously every single day; whereas before it was only 4-5 times per week.

Rena, a girl I knew from my home town but now goes to the same college as me, is a recovering Ana girl. Unlike me, however, she was the Ana with a grip on exercise. I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was to find someone to personally talk to about my ED.

 It feels strange though that we want to go in opposite directions, she wanting to return to the norm and I wanting to relapse. Still...I love her to pieces. If I hadn't created this blog, this online diary, I would be relying solely on Rena (that is if I had made the first move to talk about my affair with Ana and Mia with her).

Pocrescophobia is the only fear I have; I do not fear death or any derivation of it (like so many other people fear). Perhaps that is why when I am faced with the skeletal perfection of Ana, I do not turn away.

Let's keep those numbers falling,
                         ~Noi

I Promise...

~I will get out of the 120s by the end of the month

~I will consume liquids only every other day

~I will fast once a week (more if desired)

~I will purge every time I feel the "bulk"

~I will exercise everyday for the minimum of an hour

~I will consume only produce on my solid food days

~I will chew and spit as much as I can

~I will consume no more than 600 calories everyday

~I will take up any method to burn calories at every moment (i.e. fidgeting)

~I will get back the gap between my thighs

~I will become someone else's thinspo

This is year two of my affair with EDNOS, I will not gain this time and I will not falter or give up on Ana or Mia. It is time to get serious!

       ~Noi