I've Got A System :D

So...I've finally reached the point where I've fallen into a regular plan--which is quite great because I can tolerate it and, as we all know as EDs, repetition is a great form of closure and control.
Here's how it works for me...I stick to an extremely low calorie liquid diet (think crystal light and diet snapple). However, there are moments when I want the sensation of chewing solids so...in this case, I either retreat into solitude, where I can chew and spit without judgement or I eat but, I purge immediately until I see the first thing I've swallowed. In the case of purging, I know I can get just about everything out (the lovely feeling of a flat tummy and hollow spot between my ribs tells me when I am empty) but, for the remaining bits and pieces that I can simply not remove, I pop some lax and 6 hours later I feel beautifully empty again.

I must say, this system is really working for me; my bones jut out without me lying flat on my back and the gap between my thighs has noticeably grown. I am so happy with my progress, I really really am ecstatic. In the case of the energy boost I need from lack of food, I have some caffeine pills or I chug a sugar-free energy drink (only 20 calories at most in a can!!).

The blue in my nails has also returned, along with the prolonged feeling of being cold. This is great! I'd say, if anything at all, the heartbroken feeling I experienced with the boy two posts ago was the perfect motivation to get back in the groove of things. It gave me a creepy déjà vu of 2010 when I started starving to perfection to spite another boy whom had bruised, not broken, my heart. I mean, if you think about it, isn't improving your appearance the best revenge? In my mind, it sure beats emotionally eating your way to a disgusting gluttonous mess. I admit, yes, I am emotionally damaged but, there's no way I'm going to let that stop me from embracing the Ana/Mia lifestyle.


Find what works for you,
                         ~Noi

New Tactics for the Big Challenge

The dreaded day of all Anas is approaching...Thanksgiving!!! Now, this isn't usually a big deal for me...one, I usually get sick around Thanksgiving and almost always spend the day bedridden and two, I'm a vegan. Last year, I slept the majority of the day and went downstairs just as the guests were leaving. Because my parents resent the fact that I am vegan, they don't bother making any food for me specifically. Which is both bad and good. I am being neglected but, hey, I don't have to eat. So, yay!

Anywho, heading back to my hometown is risky buisiness. I'm not allowed to go to the gym while I am there (they'll give the key to my overweight sister but not me) so, I think I am going to be restricting as much as I can.
Makes sense, right? If I am not burning the calories, then I should not be eating as much.

It goes without saying that I will be purging still...old habits die hard. I think I'll wander around town too--exercise plus, I don't really want to hang around the hostile household. It's motivation to not eat (when I am upset) but, it just is too much stress that I really could do without.

I want to be happy...and thin. Is that really such a difficult request?


Best of Luck on the Dreaded Day of Gluttony,
                                               ~Noi

Fueled by Triggers

One of my most successful motivators to lose weight has always been my wrath. Not rage, not anger but, just starvation as a way of pay-back. This trigger mainly came from an incident with my father. Now, as far as I can remember, my father has always been the head honcho of the household, a tyrant, and, unfortunately, an abuser. As much as I would have loved to have had a happy, pleasant childhood worth having nostalgia over--there aren't any happy memories in my past that involve that man. I still have short flashbacks of him in my nightmares...

Early in September, I decided to get a tattoo of cherry blossoms down the side length of my body. I was set on getting inked, as I had wanted to two years prior but, was waiting for the opportunity to present itself. Knowing I was covering my tracks well enough, I used my card again, today, to get my naval pierced. Only problem was...the forty-dollar piercing overspent on my account...and my account is linked to his (even though it's all my money).

After dealing with a livid phone call with the man himself, the trigger began creeping back on me. I am not going to eat anything tomorrow...my disappearing act actually an act of revenge.

Let me clarify for a sec, this horrible man, after finding out about my tattoo began accusing me of nonsense of which I am not reprehensible. He called me a whore, a crack addict, an alcoholic, a failure, bashed my veganism (he REALLY hates that I'm vegan), and, on top of it all, had the nerve to state that I "used to be happy and tell him everything." Now, realistically, I don't think anyone in their right mind would share personal details about themselves to someone so...hostile (all the time).

I have to meet with him early in the morning tomorrow; it doesn't help to add that I am also very sick (I cannot stop coughing) and this whole situation is causing me unnecessary stress...

Behind pained eyes,
                        ~Noi

The Battling of Two Sides

Today, like I promised, is a liquid fast day. And I know I was just so motivated and set on doing it but, just sitting here now....temptation is battling my motivation. The morning was easy, as I have an early morning dance class, so I'm able to easily skip breakfast and be able to burn calories. One of the girls in that class is soooo skinny, almost pixie-like, and I have a hunch that she is Pro Ana---because there is absolutely no way someone can look like that and just be ectomorph. Any who, my next class was talking about the revolution of packaging and how cereal came to be.....

This isn't good, since I know I promised to only eat produce, but that recollecting sensation in the back of my tongue brought back that crunchy satisfying texture that one experiences with cereal. Obviously cereal is bad...mainstream cereal being even worse with the notorious high fructose corn syrup (which makes you fat because it slows down your metabolism) and any corn derived ingredient. Corn is fed to cows to fatten them up. And I am not a cow. So what did I do? I used to eat the super healthy organic cereals (w/o corn ingredients)--and I'm not talking about Kashi...which is basically all evaporated cane sugar.
But cereal = carbs, which = bad.

I haven't touched the stuff in a while, wanting to gift it to myself once I get down to 118 lbs, at least but....I have been hankering for it.


Here's the motivation that stopped me from walking 30 min. to the grocery here....there's this cute guy in my dorm. Yes, yes, he is taken...aren't all the good ones? But, I just want to make him feel like I'm attractive, you know? It all sounds very stupid but, if I were to drop 20 lbs....I might just be able to draw him closer. Not that I want to be the other woman....I have far too much dignity for that.

Let's hope I can keep on the liquids for the rest of the day....
                        ~Noi

Motivation ---> Fasting

So, I had to return to my home town for break...despite not wanting to but, I get in the car and my parents instantly start lecturing me. And it went on and on and on....continuing until 8pm (when I was already back at the house). This goes without saying that my parents' version of "lecturing" includes lots of yelling, sarcastic laughing, and lapses of bringing up the past.
I hate it but, the good can come from the bad. Getting upset was always a big motivation for me in the past with Ana. I don't know exactly how to explain it but, I suppose it's just a small way I can get back at people; I know that sounds pretty twisted but, it works wonders.

I'm comparing myself a lot to my weight loss of last year; I want to get better at it. By Halloween of 2010, I weighed 118 lbs. This year, I want to either get there or, what I would love, I want to weigh 115 lbs by Halloween. I will get there, no doubt, especially since I have 2 more days in this horrible place.
I am so glad that I am no longer pushing 140 disgusting pounds from the 130s. I'm kinda surprised that college is not such a difficult place to purge in---although at "home," it is EASYYY. I'm gonna have to switch over to restricting soon enough, though, since
1) people are gonna catch on to my purging
2) restricting gets quicker results
Despite this I do both, purging on forbidden foods (like carbs) and anytime I feel the dreaded bulk.....

Well, wish this fast will last,
                              ~Noi