I know I can empathesize with all out there who are in the same boat of Anas, Mias, and EDNOS. We all fear that horrid number on the scale but, without a doubt, we all are deathly afraid of that horrid number rising higher.
It is a consumption of the digits, we are obsessed with the number of calories we intake, the number of calories we burn, the number on the measuring tape, and the number on the scale. In the constant mind game of numbers, our brains are in a never ending loop of mathematics...and it's tiring. But not enough to stop.
For me, I wasn't counting what I burned and I never touched the measuring tape until I was at the point of having a 24 inch waist. I only ate what I thought I was worthy to eat. If I hadn't done any physical exercise/movement that day, then it was a skip day or I would limit myself to only 200 calories (equaling for me an extended prolonged meal of consuming one papaya).
I still feel like this is the case nowadays. The only exception being that I exercise religiously every single day; whereas before it was only 4-5 times per week.
Rena, a girl I knew from my home town but now goes to the same college as me, is a recovering Ana girl. Unlike me, however, she was the Ana with a grip on exercise. I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was to find someone to personally talk to about my ED.
It feels strange though that we want to go in opposite directions, she wanting to return to the norm and I wanting to relapse. Still...I love her to pieces. If I hadn't created this blog, this online diary, I would be relying solely on Rena (that is if I had made the first move to talk about my affair with Ana and Mia with her).
Pocrescophobia is the only fear I have; I do not fear death or any derivation of it (like so many other people fear). Perhaps that is why when I am faced with the skeletal perfection of Ana, I do not turn away.
Let's keep those numbers falling,
~Noi
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