FWB

I was never one to believe in the concept of "love." I don't know why; my sister on the other hand believed in true love and every other frivolous ideal. I suppose this is why I feel such disgust towards relationships. I absolutely hate them, the mere thought of being tied down to one person is repugnant but...I don't know, I suppose I was meant to feel more thrill in a fling, a hook-up, a short yet fun period of time when people can simply live in the now and enjoy themselves fully.

I mentioned a guy in one of my previous posts, let's call him Kisho, became recent friends with benefits with me. I suppose you could throw us in that category, since he has taken me back to his dorm twice now...and that exceeds a regular hook-up. Anyhow, since he is serving as my new thinspiration, he also is serving as a motivation for me to not eat.

Now, since we both a parallel with our beliefs of enjoying the fun of a situation without it becoming complicated, what with the likes of a relationship, we easily can hook-up without the factor of being clingy or girlfriend/boyfriend-esque.

This being established, I feel absolutely disgusted and ashamed of myself for texting him to meet-up, for the third day in a row, without the influence of booze but, just to hang out (since we are on mutual agreement that the other is interesting and fun to be with). Sadly, though, I have let myself down...following pursuit of the qualities in which I hate...clingy. I texted Kisho and he kept making up excuses to not see me.

I am such an idiot for not realizing it sooner....so, in this horrible state of disappointment, I binged and purged; so much to the point of drawing blood from my esophagus. I am a revolting gluttonous excuse for a person. I cannot believe that I even bothered putting on makeup and dressing presentably for a rendezvous that was never gonna happen. How pitiful!!!

Losing my self-worth bit by bit,
                                    ~Noi

Attracted to the Attractive

The Halloween weekend began here, at my college, and being the poor college kid I am, I through together an easy costume...Barbie!~

I met another kid at dance, the other day, and we swapped numbers--preparing to gather some other friends and find a costume party to rock out to. Well, as it turns out, I showed up without my friend (he was planning on going out the next night instead) and my new found friend showed up without his friend (appearently she went with some other people...or something of the like).

Now, let me just stop for a second and say, this guy is really really fun and attractive....but, I was not expecting a drunken make out session with him. He is just so awesome and crazy and I was completely baffled that he was pretty interested in me when we had first properly met.

So, as we were both stumbling all over the place, I went back to his dorm (where his roomie just so happened to not be there). Now, don't get ahead of this story just yet; due to the fact that he is the perfect combination of a tease and a romantic, he did not try anything, besides kissing some more. But, as we were lying in his bed snuggling, he said he was sorry if his hip bones were stabbing me. His rib cage and hip bones were jutting out (jealous) but, I told him I liked it.

I know he wasn't an Ana, or anything of the such, but me, being an Ana, actually do appreciate the sharp edges a bone makes sticking out. It kinda served as a bit of thinspiration for myself...I cannot wait until my bones stick out when I am not lying down.


Love your bones,
                    ~Noi

Ana's Shopping Trip

I recently went to the grocery store here, somewhat treating myself...because of all the purging I was doing lately. Now, I was going to buy things under complete control (i.e. whatever I buy, it cannot be eaten past 200 calories). So I strolled around, taking forever like many EDs do, and, finally after picking up and putting back soooooo many temptation items, I decided on buying a few Larabars (safe item because it contains so few ingredients) and a Go Raw Banana Bread Flax Bar. Coarse, as I was standing in line I through in some Kombucha (which is really good at taking of the edge of craving any fizzy drink). 


While I was waiting to pay, the oddest thing happened. The guy at the register looked over my items and blatantly asked, "Are you a Vegetarian?" Now, I'm not used to strangers quickly picking up my eating habits (despite the fact that I am actually a Vegan); so I asked him, "What gave me away?" He pointed directly at the flax seed bar and explained how he was, formerly, a Vegetarian for 3 years....but, then mentioned that he just used it to control his Anorexia. 


I was baffled. This guy, whom I had just met, just honestly told me his dirty little secret. Now, not wanting him to feel embarrassed for coming out to a customer, I told him, "Don't feel too bad. I dabbled in Anorexia too. I initially became Vegan for all the right reasons, but now I do it for all the wrong reasons." 


I know he could feel it at this point too, because just by showing ourselves practically naked to each other....there was a connection. 


Unfortunately, the old woman behind me had no tolerance for waiting so, she rammed her cart into me (bitch) and I proceeded to leave.


I wish I got the guy's name, I would've like to be friends with him (especially since he was so young, although older than me...probably 23-24ish). Oh well, I hope I will see him the next time I go shopping.

Keep on the lookout for any fellow EDs,
                                        ~Noi

A Sign?

So I have been limiting myself to one meal a day, like before, at 4:30pm. This allows me time to let my body focus on burning what it has already and rid itself of waste (because as soon as you eat, your body focuses on digesting rather than moving any excess waste/calories out).

Anyway...I went to the dining hall and found that if I go earlier, there are more vegan friendly items. But, this only brought on the temptation of gluttony. Before I knew it, I had done a public binge; eating three plates worth of steamed veggies and wild rice. The veggies are "safe" of coarse, but, it was the intrude of the carbs that brought upon the disgusting sensation of guilt and self-loathing.

Now, I had given Mia a break for a while, siding with Ana and her one meal a day rule (of safe foods only).
Disgracefully, I had let her down and I---I just had to make it up to her somehow. So, since my next class was to begin at 5:30pm, I left the dining hall at 5:08pm and rushed to the building, already knowing what I was going to do. Not a lot of kids have late night classes, as compared to morning and afternoon, so, this gave me the opportunity to purge in an empty bathroom. I've never done this before, my heart racing all through the act...just waiting for someone to come in and discover me.

My eyes were watering from the purging, my face gleaming a pinkish hue in all its puffy glory...then something caught my eye. Right along side the toilet was a bit of restroom graffiti reading, "Love Yourself." I could not believe the odds that something like that would be placed so perfectly, so coincidentally next to the toilet. My hand stopped rising back to my mouth and I felt, somewhat empty and yet, ashamed.
I left the bathroom in a hurry, taking a few minutes to clean up my appearance...

I don't know if that's supposed to mean anything but, I feel like, if it was, the message will stick with me, nonetheless, but go unheard.

Continue falling on the scale,
                        ~Noi

True Fear

Pocrescophobia, i.e. the fear of gaining weight.

I know I can empathesize with all out there who are in the same boat of Anas, Mias, and EDNOS. We all fear that horrid number on the scale but, without a doubt, we all are deathly afraid of that horrid number rising higher.

It is a consumption of the digits, we are obsessed with the number of calories we intake, the number of calories we burn, the number on the measuring tape, and the number on the scale. In the constant mind game of numbers, our brains are in a never ending loop of mathematics...and it's tiring. But not enough to stop.

For me, I wasn't counting what I burned and I never touched the measuring tape until I was at the point of having a 24 inch waist. I only ate what I thought I was worthy to eat. If I hadn't done any physical exercise/movement that day, then it was a skip day or I would limit myself to only 200 calories (equaling for me an extended prolonged meal of consuming one papaya).

I still feel like this is the case nowadays. The only exception being that I exercise religiously every single day; whereas before it was only 4-5 times per week.

Rena, a girl I knew from my home town but now goes to the same college as me, is a recovering Ana girl. Unlike me, however, she was the Ana with a grip on exercise. I cannot begin to tell you how happy I was to find someone to personally talk to about my ED.

 It feels strange though that we want to go in opposite directions, she wanting to return to the norm and I wanting to relapse. Still...I love her to pieces. If I hadn't created this blog, this online diary, I would be relying solely on Rena (that is if I had made the first move to talk about my affair with Ana and Mia with her).

Pocrescophobia is the only fear I have; I do not fear death or any derivation of it (like so many other people fear). Perhaps that is why when I am faced with the skeletal perfection of Ana, I do not turn away.

Let's keep those numbers falling,
                         ~Noi

Déjà Vu Trigger

In the autumn of 2010, I was starting to diet...cutting back on breads and sweets and leaning more towards a healthy lifestyle (although I was still an omnivore). I was still eating then but....this changed one day. I had brought a traditional korean to school called bibimbap. Basically, it was a bunch of spicy vegetables on top of rice with an egg and kimchi (see picture).

Now, I LOVED this dish so very much but, I did not have time to eat it during my lunch mod since, I'm usually in the library finishing work then. What else could I do in this situation except, eat in another mod. So I started nibbling a bit on it before gym class began. As I'm sitting there enjoying my meal, I hear a couple comments, "Ew, what's that smell?", "Ugh!! What is she eating?", "It looks disgusting." I set my chopsticks down almost immediately, roughly throwing my food into my bag and never touching it again.

I hate people's comments; they don't even realize how much it impacts me.

Same thing happened today, I was steaming veggies in my dorm when a couple comments chide from in the hallway, "Ew, what's that smell?", "This whole hall stinks. It smells like something's rotting.", "I think it's coming from that dorm..."

It went over pretty harshly, I didn't eat anything today and that was to be my meal but...I suppose that just reinforces Ana's will.

Find your triggers and use them,
                     ~Noi

I Hate Me

I fucking hate myself right now. I'm just so disgustingly fat and there's absolutely no way I'm gonna get to 120 lbs in a week. Ughhhhh........I'm just not going to eat anything, except dinner, from now on. No more binging or fucking wasting my money on binge food. Seriously, it's so retarded that I buy food just so I can throw it away. This has to stop. I'm running out of money and binging and purging is just making me hate myself even more.

But things aren't all so bad...

My workout regime is bringing results. I was studying a bruise on my leg early and realized, "Damn! My thighs are fucking toned!!!" This made me smile a bit, since I hate the squishy flab. Granted that all this muscle is making me bulk up a bit, I think if I counter it with starving, fasting, and restricting my caloric intake, I'll become just that much closer to Ana.

I figured out my BMR too. I was so happy to find myself in the 'Very Active' category (since I exercise everyday)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The BMR for women:

655 + (9.6 x weight in kilos) + (1.8 x height in cm) - (4.7 x age in years)

You then take that result and multiply it by your activity level.

 Sedentary/ Little or no Exercise = 1.200

 Lightly Active/Exercise or Sports 1 – 3 times a week = 1.375

 Moderately Active/Exercise or Sports 3 – 5 times a week = 1.550

 Very Active/Exercise or Sports 5 – 7 times a week = 1.725

 Extra Active/2x a day training or Hard Physical Job = 1.900
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Basically, I need 2432.0775 calories everyday but, since we all know that that is waaaaaayyy too many, I'm gonna do a fraction of that with 600 calories. I think I'll stick to steamed veggies and soft fruit (like melon) from now on...

Think Thin,
          ~Noi

A Better Alternative?

I've purged pretty much everyday this week, doubling up with lax and the ole' fashion way. Now, I'm fairly clever at hiding it now...heading to different bathrooms on campus for my lax purgings and cranking up the music/locking the door/disposing in a plastic bag for my throw-up purgings. But...after a week and a half of this, I'm starting to reconsider.

My mouth is beginning to feel sore and, yesterday, a little blood came up when I was vomiting. Sooooo......since it doesn't take a genius to figure this out, I'm gonna run back into Ana's perfectly tiny arms and take a break from Mia (although I do still love her).

I know I'm gonna feel absolutely horrid about the empty calories later but, I'm going out tonight (meaning drinks and the what not). Maybe I'll just wean a single drink throughout the evening; two is the limit. And just to be safe, since I don't want any globs of disgusting FAT hanging on, tomorrow I'll try to stay outside (in the cold) for the majority of the day and I'll go to the gym for a min of 2 hours.

Giving all my love and myself to Ana,
                              ~Noi

Pop It

I tried to continue my liquid diet onto a two day length but let myself partake in dinner. I kinda sorta did this method before, where I would eat only dinner (after 5pm) and fast the rest of the time...this method brought quick results--as I counted exactly 24 hrs in between eating. I think I'm gonna go this route again, instead of a every other day liquid diet (as I feel like I eat soooo much on my solid days).

Any who, I was pretty good at not eating until 6pm. Despite this, I was having one of those days where you can look in the mirror and absolutely HATE yourself. Sure, I know I have a nice face (as I am complimented on it all the time) but, telling a girl she has a nice face is something you tell a FAT girl because her body just doesn't match up.

So what did I do with all this guilt? I did what I always do, pop large amounts of certain vitamins and chemical capsules that promote the metabolism and burning of fat. Sometimes I use diet pills but, I always feel like those purposely draw an appetite so you buy more. Personally, I buy specific non-mainstream diet pills online...it cuts the chance that it is just a caffeine pill (although I do have a bottle of caffeine pills).

This is usually how the cycle starts: I eat reasonably "good" food ('safe' of coarse), pop some pills because I feel like I need to burn away every last calorie, give up hope of burning and switch to popping laxatives, and end up purging it all.

The problem with purging, however, is that I think some people in my dorm are beginning to catch on to me...
I'm terrified of being caught...

Wish me luck that this dirty little secret doesn't get found out,
                            ~Noi

The Battling of Two Sides

Today, like I promised, is a liquid fast day. And I know I was just so motivated and set on doing it but, just sitting here now....temptation is battling my motivation. The morning was easy, as I have an early morning dance class, so I'm able to easily skip breakfast and be able to burn calories. One of the girls in that class is soooo skinny, almost pixie-like, and I have a hunch that she is Pro Ana---because there is absolutely no way someone can look like that and just be ectomorph. Any who, my next class was talking about the revolution of packaging and how cereal came to be.....

This isn't good, since I know I promised to only eat produce, but that recollecting sensation in the back of my tongue brought back that crunchy satisfying texture that one experiences with cereal. Obviously cereal is bad...mainstream cereal being even worse with the notorious high fructose corn syrup (which makes you fat because it slows down your metabolism) and any corn derived ingredient. Corn is fed to cows to fatten them up. And I am not a cow. So what did I do? I used to eat the super healthy organic cereals (w/o corn ingredients)--and I'm not talking about Kashi...which is basically all evaporated cane sugar.
But cereal = carbs, which = bad.

I haven't touched the stuff in a while, wanting to gift it to myself once I get down to 118 lbs, at least but....I have been hankering for it.


Here's the motivation that stopped me from walking 30 min. to the grocery here....there's this cute guy in my dorm. Yes, yes, he is taken...aren't all the good ones? But, I just want to make him feel like I'm attractive, you know? It all sounds very stupid but, if I were to drop 20 lbs....I might just be able to draw him closer. Not that I want to be the other woman....I have far too much dignity for that.

Let's hope I can keep on the liquids for the rest of the day....
                        ~Noi

I Promise...

~I will get out of the 120s by the end of the month

~I will consume liquids only every other day

~I will fast once a week (more if desired)

~I will purge every time I feel the "bulk"

~I will exercise everyday for the minimum of an hour

~I will consume only produce on my solid food days

~I will chew and spit as much as I can

~I will consume no more than 600 calories everyday

~I will take up any method to burn calories at every moment (i.e. fidgeting)

~I will get back the gap between my thighs

~I will become someone else's thinspo

This is year two of my affair with EDNOS, I will not gain this time and I will not falter or give up on Ana or Mia. It is time to get serious!

       ~Noi

Double Take

I woke up today a pound lighter....this is not what I wanted. In the past, when I've fasted for short periods of time (like a day), I've lost 3-4 lbs. While I do like losing weight, I wish I could have lost more than a single pound. But, on the plus side, the circumference on my fingers has shrunk. How do I know? I can now wear this ring I bought when I was at my lowest (size 5--which I think is the smallest size that's available, overlooking custom sizing of coarse).

I broke my fast today around noonish. I made a steamed sweet potato with apple cider vinegar and a salad of iceberg lettuce, black olives, and mandarin oranges...however, it wasn't long before I felt utterly disgusted with myself. I purged it all the old-fashion way.
Oh, here's a quick Ana tip:
Apple cider vinegar curbs the appetite and burns fat (by decreasing the size of the fat cells). Also, any weight loss occurring, though it is gradual, is permanent. So, yay!!!

I think for the rest of the day I'll just consume liquids...

Think Thin,
           ~Noi

Motivation ---> Fasting

So, I had to return to my home town for break...despite not wanting to but, I get in the car and my parents instantly start lecturing me. And it went on and on and on....continuing until 8pm (when I was already back at the house). This goes without saying that my parents' version of "lecturing" includes lots of yelling, sarcastic laughing, and lapses of bringing up the past.
I hate it but, the good can come from the bad. Getting upset was always a big motivation for me in the past with Ana. I don't know exactly how to explain it but, I suppose it's just a small way I can get back at people; I know that sounds pretty twisted but, it works wonders.

I'm comparing myself a lot to my weight loss of last year; I want to get better at it. By Halloween of 2010, I weighed 118 lbs. This year, I want to either get there or, what I would love, I want to weigh 115 lbs by Halloween. I will get there, no doubt, especially since I have 2 more days in this horrible place.
I am so glad that I am no longer pushing 140 disgusting pounds from the 130s. I'm kinda surprised that college is not such a difficult place to purge in---although at "home," it is EASYYY. I'm gonna have to switch over to restricting soon enough, though, since
1) people are gonna catch on to my purging
2) restricting gets quicker results
Despite this I do both, purging on forbidden foods (like carbs) and anytime I feel the dreaded bulk.....

Well, wish this fast will last,
                              ~Noi

Fail

I feel utterly disgusted with myself....I caved when my roomie asked me to lunch, even though I would have been all set with my quadruple shot cappuccino w/ soy. The disgusting heavy sensation is calling for Mia. I've taken 9 lax in a row...but I'm so scared it's not working. Ana would be ashamed of me too, I broke my only produce rule and had a vegan-friendly veggie burger---which you know has to be completely saturated in salt or something. I hate myself for it. I couldn't even go throw it up because my roomie was in the room with me. Fuck. I think I'm gonna go pop some more lax....and skip dinner....and skip breakfast/brunch/lunch.

 I don't want to eat anymore. This is how it was last year. I used Mia to get to 120lbs and then Ana took over until I was at the beautiful 100lbs. When I was "recovering," which I really regret because it get's hard to stop once you start, I switch from Ana to Mia again. Then I had an awful period where I didn't care and ate what I wanted like the fat cow I am. My hip and ribs stopped protruding and.....I got my period back. Now, if that isn't a wake up call, I don't know what is.

All my EDNOS habits are coming back and, hopefully, they will keep me headed down the numbers.

Think Thin,
                 Noi~

I Don't Need It

I have been pretty damn proud of myself as of late. Since restricting to only fruits and veg (mostly veg, it has less cals), I have been feeling a lot lighter. And I don't mean lighter as in lbs, since I didn't bring my scale with me, but I mean...I just don't feel that horrible sensation of being weighed down. Of coarse, I would have more so LOVED if I didn't have the lbs...but I know I'm getting closer to my goal everyday.

I...want to not have to eat. I wish I could just coast through on nothing but air. I hate myself so much, not during the actual eating but, in the aftermath. I cannot even describe how much more awful I feel when I go with people to the dining hall. It's like I can feel them staring at me, I mean, my god, I am eating a freaking salad  with maybe some red wine vinegar & olive oil combo or a mustard & pepper combo. What is the big deal?

Maybe I should just go back into excuse mode and skip eating all together, not just breakfast and dinner. I really hate that word: Breakfast. Why on earth would I want to Break Fasting?
Ugh, I think I'm gonna go choke down some lax, this salad feels awful inside me...

~Noi

The Great Disappearing Act

Would it be twisted for me to say that I thoroughly enjoy, and even, dare I say, relish the sensation of starving? Like I said earlier, I hate the feeling you get after you eat--that horrible bulky, bloated feeling. It has actually gotten to the point where I cannot stand having something as lite as a salad inside me. Much thanks to Mia, she really has helped me out immensely when it comes to getting rid of the heavy feeling. I love her so much, her support has been paying off quite nicely, as I now see the edge of my collar bone jutting out of my shoulder.

This is the beginning of my great disappearing act...I enjoy being empty as my disgusting lbs fade away, leading me closer to Ana's cold world of perfection. Beauty is pain, right? Yet, like before, I get to that point where I don't feel hunger; I only hear the odd gurgle of my gut. In fact, I would say, I get to that point where I feel absolutely nothing at all. It's all part of the act, folks, be amazed as I disappear before your very eyes.

Ana has been keeping me on the ball, as of late, as well. I have dutifully been going to the gym, here at college, every single day. Today, I am just so proud of myself because I do believe I ate under 500 cals!! Yay me!! All I had today were 3 double shot cappuccinos with steamed soy (estimating roughly around 200 cals...as coffee contains 0, the rest were from the soy) and 1 meager salad (estimating roughly around 200 again). I had no dinner but, the weird bulky feeling is still here...which I don't understand as the salad really wasn't extravagant in anyway. Oh well, guess Mia can help me out here...


         ~Noi

On the Road to a Flat Tummy

It is my dream to have a super flat tummy, complete with a line down the center, and surrounded by a wasp waist. I think I'm getting there, my control is sliding back with ease. I only consume fruit and veg but, I have stacks of suppositories and laxatives in case I slip up and eat some carbs or some nuts. Mia would be proud.

In fact, I'm already seeing the results...the bone on my wrist is poking out and my ribs are slightly protruding. I cannot wait until my hip bones come out. That was always my favorite part about being low...back in the day. I loved feeling my hips jut out, I felt beautiful. Even before I hit the glorious 100lbs, my hip perfection was already out in the hundred and teens (ex. 114lbs)

I hate this little pooch sticking out of my abdomen. I promised myself that I would get a belly button piercing once I had a flat tummy. I mean, c-mon, nobody wants to see a fat stomach with a dot of a piercing. It's disgusting.
I already have my tattoo, since I promised myself that it would probably be better if
A. I got it at college
and B. I got it when I had a little more weight.
I'm really happy with it.

I'd like to think as a Pro Ana, Pro Mia, and Pro EDNOS, my body is but a canvas and my choices, like whether I want to eat junk or not, determines whether or not it becomes a magnificent masterpiece or a sloppy spherical blob.  

Give love to the bones,
                          ~Noi

P.S. If anyone would like to be supportive, competitive pro ana/mia/ednos friends, feel free to contact me~

The Servitude of Alice

Fingers outreach,
               the    Gluttony   tingling at their tips
      Grasping    Sin,
Your claws uplift
                  Desire fades...
           Giving way to W e a k n e s s
The    Naughty    sliding d o w n  the rabbit hole
                                                          ...But it is too L a t e

Regretfully,
                 This is no
                               Wonderland.

Fingers outreach, again
            Trembling with a sudden H a t r e d
Darkness parts,
       unveiling your first Queen
"Do it,"
        She hisses,
                leaning closer as the show begins
                      "Please me, my pet."
Her beautiful frail fingers stroke Her swan neck,
         "You know what to do."

Tentatively...
            D
                       o
                                  w
                                          n
                                 D
                           o
                     w
            n
    D
           o 
                  w
                            n
Your gullet
           Your fingers travel
"Deeper," Mia coos,
Her     Perfection    urging you
                                      To the b r i n k of      Guilt.

Out the   Poison   comes.
      A lovely flush
Rising to your skin's surface;
                    Yet...with Eyes tearing,
the      Sin       still slumbers in your chamber.

Colorful pills of H o p e
               Replace your Fingers.
Falling further and further
                                    D o w n .

Mia smiles.
          Success.

This is the but the B e g i n n i n g
                                        Of something   Beautiful.

Mia is only the W h i t e Queen,
                               It is the R e d we all seek.
                                             And that is how it E
                                                                           n
                                                                    d
                                                                s,
In Wonderland...
                With the T o x i c L u s t
                                       of Ana.

Love like Winter

As the weather is transitioning here from summer to autumn, I know I will, once again, be able to slid in the comforting ease of Ana.

Last year, around this time, I was already beginning my descent into perfection. The numbing air was an absolute fantastic distraction from food, as all I could think about was how cold I was and how delicious it would be to cuddle near a warm fire. I had need not food, or any wavering weakness, as I thoroughly enjoyed watching my nails change into that delectable shade of bluish white. Not to mention, and take note to this, fellow EDNOS, that the season of cold is the best time to lose weight--despite what the media portrays as the period of "stocking up for the winter."

What many fail to comprehend, is that by being constantly surrounded by a cold environment, the body initiates homeostasis. To put simply, the body is burning fat, calories, and muscle mass just to maintain a steady, consistent body temperature. So...thank you to New York's fabulous lake effect snow. <3

Why people eat so much during the winter still baffles me. My mindset, during the lovely, frost-covered months, is that I can be completely and utterly satisfied with a nice cup of tea. The three teas which are most effective at making one drop the disgusting lbs are:
                   ~Green Tea (it is common knowledge that this raises one's metabolism)
                   ~Oolong Tea (it is well known in China as a tea that clears out one's digestive system)
                   ~Senna Tea/asian dieting tea (in an ode to any lovers of Mia, this tea acts as a stimulant laxative)

To all that seek a thinner beauty,
let the first fall of snow be as
perfect as we all will be.
                                    ~Noi

Body Types

So...there are three body types in the world: ectomorph, mesomorph, and endomorph.
I'm sure all of us can easily say, "I wish I was a ectomorph."

Ectomorphs are basically naturally skinny; the have delicate frames with very little muscle and have an incredible difficulty gaining weight because of their extremely fast metabolism. They can lose fat fairly effortlessly and have to eat waaaayyy past the "recommended" number of calories just to gain.
Now, I'm sure all of us have had that skinny friend...you know, the one that can eat 7 slices of pizza (with the "works"), a whole bottle of soda, and the entire bag of "family sized" chips and still want a hot fudge sundae for dessert. I hate that kind of person because of their set dispossession.

But, you see, our jealously most often gives birth to Ana.

I know that I was born a mesomorph, yet, sometimes, I cannot help but feel like an endomorph.
Now, mesomorphs gain fat more easily than ectpmorphs. Most often, a mesomorph is identified by their "athletic" body structure (i.e. they are naturally strong and gain muscle easily). While I do not care for being born a mesomorph, I do like the fact that they can just as easily lose as they gain--which gives me some glimmer of hope. However, to do this, a mesomorph would need to watch their caloric intake.

I did not want to go here, as this is the horrid nightmare that keeps me up at night.
Endomorphs, need I say more? They are, unfortunately, predisposed at being fat. Generally, they have a round physique, in a short and stocky sense. Endos have thick limbs, have a higher percentage of body fat, and find it easy to gain weight because of their dreadfully slow metabolism.

Now, as I do like to follow the glimmer of hope, anyone can reach the perfection of Ana--no mater what your body type...although endos will need to keep at it for a while.
It really is all about determination and persistence.
Why do I say this? I was once able to touch down to the beautiful number of 100 lbs (which gave me a limboing size between 0 and 00). It is possible.

Do not give up, darlings.
                                 ~Noi

Weighed Down

I hate the feeling you get after eating. You know, that horrible heavy bulk that you wish wasn't there.

Sometimes I just feel that my life would be so much easier if I didn't eat, I would weigh less, look perfectly thin, and would have so much more time to do whatever. The only problem is is that I need to be kept occupied. I used all kinds of tasks to do this before, I would macrame, solve 1000 piece puzzles, and, my favorite, look up more pro ana blogs. It's just...this "keeping yourself occupied" thing, feels like it's gonna be a lot harder now that I'm in college. Hopefully this blog will keep me motivated and on track.

Maybe I'll try liquid fasting on pure veggie juice (no extra chemicals or ick), tea, and coffee. Good riddance, bulk. I'm gonna get rid of you and the rest of these god awful fat deposits.

Keep thin, my lovelies ~
                               Noi

Getting back on the Ball

I'm so determined to drop the lbs again. I've already cut out carbs and am only eating produce. I think that's all I can do at this point because I'm a vegan (which is entirely unrelated to my EDs). I distinctly remember that this was my first step to losing, this time last year. I used carbs as a treat though, like eating a slice of tapioca bread toasted with honey every time I was able to drop. I'm running out of diet pills though, so I think I'm gonna get some more soon. Mia and I have been pretty tight lately, if i'm weak and binge she's there helping me purge everything out. I think I kinda like laxatives more than throwing it up, because I don't really like my face getting puffy and red.
I'm working my way down...
Stay strong, my fellow thin seekers~